Divorce Overwhelm
There’s something that’s been coming up a lot lately with the mamas I coach that I want to quickly unpack here today...OVERWHELM.
The key root of the word here is OVER...
Overtired
Overextended
Overcompensating
Over it all!
Adding one more thing to an already-filled plate is just overwhelming.
Trying to juggle it all and paste on a happy face is overwhelming.
Feeling gut-punched when you’re already down is overwhelming.
Being buried in paperwork...overwhelming.
Frivolous lawsuits...overwhelming.
Contemplating BIG decisions...overwhelming.
Bombarded by requests, triggering conversations, texts, emails, messages from your soon-to-be-ex...overwhelming.
What to make for dinner...overwhelming.
Having to get up and do it all over again in the morning...overwhelming.
Does any of this overwhelm feel familiar?
Welcome to motherhood, career...and divorce! Especially when you care so greatly.
And unfortunately, overwhelm is like a contagious disease...it breeds MORE overwhelm.
It’s easy to see why it happens. It’s easy to understand how quickly it can derail a mama and it’s easy to understand why it can consume her and make her feel stuck.
Bottom line: Something’s got to give.
Another reason you want to get ahold of overwhelm is because if you show up in overwhelm, you will make decisions (likely regrettable ones) from overwhelm — and that will impact everything. Let’s talk about your kids for a moment.
Being in a state of overwhelm makes you vulnerable to falling prey to parenting pitfalls like these 4 biggies: Overindulgence, Oversharing, Overreaching, and Overextending. This is how it trickles down...
OVERINDULGENCE: This is a form of over-compensating that is so easy to fall into. And while it has a direct impact upon your kids, it’s typically more about YOU than them.
OVERSHARING: Your kids are not your sounding board. I repeat: Your kids are not your sounding board.
OVEREXTENDING: Contrary to popular belief, you cannot show up for all things for everyone at all times — and the most loving thing isn’t always saying YES...especially when you want to say NO.
OVERREACHING: This is about knowing when to lean into your parental authority and when to hold back.
Clearly, there’s a lot at stake. Your state of being has far-reaching impact. Not taking care of yourself, doesn’t only affect you — it creates a potential avalanche of chaos all around you which translates to more work, more mess, more clean-up.
You can’t continue business as usual. That’s a recipe for disaster. The reality is that even an uncontested divorce can drag on 12-18 months for myriad reasons. Toss in a narcissist, some unhealed wounding and a little revenge and you’ve got a long, exhaustive situation that you need to get ahold of before it takes hold of you.
So, you need to embody the notion that you cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it.
Consider that sentiment from Einstein...
What could that look like for you?
Can you recognize a pattern of behavior or a role you’ve played in your life or marriage that is being played out here?
Before you tell me that you CAN’T let go of anything, let’s just look at that for a moment:
First off, let’s remember that this is temporary. There will be things you must let go of temporarily that you can return to, but for now you cannot do it all, you cannot take on more, you cannot control everything.
I promise you, been there done that — the only place this approach leads you is flat on the ground.
When overwhelm knocks...answer the door. Sure, it’s an unwanted visitor, but it’s not going away, so pull up a chair.
Ask it:
What do you need me to see?
Help me identify my role here.
Help me prioritize what needs my attention.
Help me understand what drains me.
Help me see what I can let go of.
Help me see solutions and gain new perspective.
What can I do differently?
I’ve got a few suggestions:
Ask for help (do you have friends, family or children old enough to help pitch in?)
Rearrange your schedule (let something go so you can create some time to fill your cup and complete the divorce tasks)
Set boundaries (establish firm guardrails around what you are and are not available for particularly when it comes to communication with your ex)
Find ways to regulate your nervous system (for some, self-care is sitting in stillness; for others its movement — find ways to connect to your body, allow feelings and know what works for you)
You need to take to take action to interrupt what isn’t working, what’s dragging you down and what’s derailing you. That’s advocating for self. That’s taking charge of your divorce. That’s controlling what you can control. That’s redirecting your life in the direction you want to head.
Start by:
Recognizing the overwhelm (call that sucker out!)
Formulating your action plan (can be as simple as taking an obligation or task off your to-do list or addressing something you’ve been carrying around)
Trusting yourself and leaning into your worthiness (you are creating new ways of being in your life)
We all wobble in this arena. Remember who you are and how you’ve been hard-wired for so long, my fixers, people-pleasers, mamas who jump through hoops to get it all done for everyone else.
There’s a new mama in town and she doesn’t want to operate in overwhelm. She doesn’t want to model this for her children. She doesn’t want to make big life decisions in overwhelm.
As with everything else and all the other new muscles you are learning to flex, once you’ve initiated this new thinking and ways of being — you will recognize what is happening sooner. You will pivot quicker and eventually you will simply avoid all that unnecessary suffering and chaos.
What are you going to do with all of that free time?
The next time you get OVERWHELMED, just stop what you are doing. Take a deep breath. And engage with it differently. Consider it an indicator, like a red flashing light on the dashboard of your car. Something needs attention. Something needs service and that something is YOU.
Check in and hear what is calling to you.
Don’t take its hand.
Where is this showing up for you?
Deep breath. It’s just a redirect, mama. Divorce is overwhelming, but you are creating a firm foundation beneath you to handle it. And remember, it’s temporary.
