An Attorney’s Advice to Divorcing Mothers
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Every day I receive communication with the beautiful women I’ve worked with throughout the years. They know, like a mama bear, I relish in their wins and celebrations with the same gusto I infused in walking beside them through their divorce journey.
You can’t share this kind of personal experience and not feel impacted and moved by it. It’s one of the reasons my ‘work’ is so meaningful to me.
My clients are not just ‘clients’ — they are human beings navigating one of the greatest upheavals of their lives — one that I once walked through myself. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to help them avoid pitfalls and unnecessary suffering and instead to heal, come alive and reclaim lost pieces and parts of themselves.
I see it every day and it NEVER gets old. It’s also available to you, not something that is reserved for a select few. However, it takes leaning in and committing to self, your kids, your divorce outcomes.
And sure, there are difficult circumstances to face, but not facing them doesn’t make them go away. In fact, trying to outrun or deny them will only keep you stuck precisely where you don’t want to be. Exhausted. Depleted. Deflated.
A divorce will take time. There are delays in court systems, with your attorney’s schedule, maybe the indecision and manipulative game-playing of your spouse — maybe your own confusion and emotional state. Yes, there’s a lot at play.
And still, there is hope.
Just this morning I had a delightful conversation with a family law attorney that gave me a lot of hope. He was speaking my language, or should I say my love language. He completely subscribed to the notion that:
The condition a mother is in while divorcing directly impacts her outcomes and experience of the entire process. This is the core tenet of an Intuitive Divorce.
Behind the scenes, it also allows for the attorney to do his / her job without being your emotional support pillow (fyi, not their job!).
It’s not that your attorney isn’t a good person, but they can’t work for you as effectively as possible if you’re looking to them for something that isn’t in their job description.
Here are a few harsh realities:
Most women are stunned at the retainer fee they are initially presented with
Most women think their attorneys alone will be able to solve their problems
And this thinking is precisely why the initial retainer fee typically quadruples
Preparing for your Attorney Consult
I love it when mothers ask me how to prepare for their initial consultations. They are typically nervous and don’t know where to start, what to ask, what to share.
Deep breath.
The best prep is getting grounded so you can calmly convey your intentions and getting clear on what your broad strokes goals are. The key idea here being ‘broad strokes’.
While you will want to do some preliminary work to prepare for this meeting, and while you want to get as much legal advice and direction as possible — the most important intel you will gather during this consultation will come from listening to your gut.
Do you like this person? (remember you are putting your life into their hands)
Do they give you a sense of confidence, like you would be protected?
Do they listen to you and hear what you are saying — understanding what is most important to you?
Do they ask questions or just talk over you?
A lot can be revealed when we pay attention to how someone makes us feel when we are sitting across from them face to face.
Your lawyer will guide you through the process and will advise you of the law in your state, the likelihood of outcomes in your county, and strategy. It’s not their job to figure out what you want — that’s yours. It’s not their job to tell you how much to fight for or when to release the pressure valve. It’s their job to get you what you want within the confines of the law.
Some of this may seem really obvious, but it’s so easy to veer off track (so much easier than you can imagine) when so many emotions and triggering events are swirling about.
Here’s a short list of what you’ll want to prepare for your initial meeting with your lawyer:
Background: Clearly, you’ll want to convey a succinct timeline (how long you’ve been married, how many children you have, who works / who stays home, a basic outline of assets). While you can BRIEFLY share what led to the demise of the marriage, so your attorney gets a sense of what they are dealing with, this is NOT the time or place to recount all the gory details.
Homework: Both parties will eventually need to do their own financial discovery that gets presented to the other side. So, it’s prudent to get as many of those divorce ducks in a row as soon as possible. Make sure that you have access to online accounts, passwords and official legal documents like passports and birth certificates. You’ll want to gather copies of bank and credit card statements, copies of tax returns and investment accounts, a copy of the deed for your home. Establish your own bank accounts and a credit card solely in your name if you don’t already have one. And store away some cash ‘just in case’.
Wish List: There are 4 key areas where you’ll want to have some sense of objectives (the operative word is ‘sense’ — don’t worry about the details). Consider what you want regarding:
Child custody / co-parenting schedules
Division of assets
Child support / spousal support
Who lives in the family home, who moves out
This will give your attorney an idea of your most pressing priorities. This is also where you can share a bit of intel about your spouse and how he will likely respond.
The more clarity you can provide your attorney with, the sooner they can get to work strategizing how to get you there.
Your attorney will be familiar with the timelines in your county from serving to finalizing. They will know judges and the parameters of likely outcomes. They will even have relationships with other attorneys, which can be helpful.
Additionally, if you suspect that your spouse may be vengeful, try to get a sense from your attorney how they would handle that situation. Do they have a strategy to avoid ludicrous and excessive requests, for example requests for discovery that exceed a 3-year scope or tactics that try to lock you up in endless legal fees.
And finally, ask his/her thoughts about presenting a settlement offer right out of the gate. When you are clear about goals and have an attorney you can trust on your team guiding the process, this is a strategy to avoid a long and protracted event.
Bottom line, get clear in broad strokes on what you want and let him advise how to achieve it.
Advice from an Attorney
Back to the advice from an attorney to divorcing mothers...
Here are his 4 recommendations to improve not only the relationship with your attorney, but also save a lot in legal fees:
Get clear (take time to consider what you want — what’s worth fighting for, what’s not)
Be organized (prepare for your meetings so you don’t waste time and money)
Take care of yourself (understand the importance of self-care and the condition you are in)
Hire a Divorce Coach (your lawyer isn’t the person to help you get clear, or organized, or to show you how to set healthy boundaries, support your kids, navigate emotions, heal, consciously communicate and take care of yourself...a coach is)
A seasoned divorce attorney doesn’t want to drag out your divorce and life for years. They want resolution and clients who feel well represented — and to feel good about how they got you there.
The mothers who are approaching this process differently are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their lives.
This is your life, mama.
Whether you are initiating this divorce or had one dropped in your lap, whether you haven’t yet told your spouse or are already in the throes of a mess — the same principles apply.
You need to take control of the process. You’ll need professional experts on your team, but ultimately, you’ll be living with the ramifications of your choices — which is why you have to have a voice at the table. That doesn’t mean you will get everything you want (few do) but you can still feel good about HOW you got yourself and your kids through it all. That counts for a lot. Much more than you can imagine from where you currently stand.
There are a lot of attorneys out there willing to take your money and keep taking it. Those bills can be staggering — and you can get caught in a spin cycle. But there are also attorneys, like the one I spoke with today who see the interconnectedness of this all.
It’s not just about two signatures on a dotted line dissolving a marriage. It’s about the opportunity for healing for the whole family. That starts with you and the decisions you are making now.
