You Can’t Always Get What You Want

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As the famous Rolling Stones song said, “You can’t always get what you want... But if you try sometimes, well, you might find...You get what you need.” 🎵

This afternoon a client texted me an update on her contentious mediation process.

Before I share the content of this communication, I want to reiterate that no two divorces are the same. Your divorce can be as unique as your DNA...and reflective of how much you want to fight, how much you want to spend, what’s worth settling for...or not.

Bottom line, you know what gets in the way more than anything else?

The ego: the need to be right and revenge. Then you smother that with some unhealed wounding and lots of big feelings and you’ve got a recipe for two rich attorneys on either side of the table.

Everyone says they’re not going to allow that to happen, they’re not going to drain their savings or investment accounts and yet...

They do.

Few prevent it and sadly become another divorce statistic. Something gets the best of them. Everyone loses (again, except the law firms racking up legal fees).

Sorry, not trying to diss lawyers doing their job — but their job is expensive and, in most cases, complicated by the runaway train that you and your spouse have boarded.

Divorce is full of hard and painful choices. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to pursue it — it means you need to get clear about what you want and what price you are willing to pay for that.

It means getting clear about keeping your kids out of the conflict, caring for yourself so you can show up in the best possible condition to make the big decisions, have the tough conversations and deal with the triggering interactions.

So how do you do that?

You stop denying your needs and you find ways to be supported in this process so that you can be strategic in achieving those goals.

Back to my client...

She was the one who initiated the divorce. She did all the homework. She put in the time and money to work with professionals to guide the process. She made it easy and fair for her spouse to just show up, but he couldn’t get out of his own way.

He couldn’t let go of his notion of what was ‘fair’. He couldn’t help but weaponize the kids. He couldn’t help but send snarky texts and threatening emails. He couldn’t stop his emotions from getting the best of him. So, it all dragged out and he continued to make unreasonable demands.

And at one point, it looked like it was all going to fall apart.

Bottom line: the sign of a successful negotiation is when both parties compromise and walk away a little unhappy. Divorce is division. Division means less, but it also means more...

More freedom...

More room to breathe...

More room to come alive again and feel like yourself...

More everything that you have been craving for you and your kids...and that’s priceless.

There’s a lot of chest-thumping that occurs when negotiations go sideways or feelings emerge, and we get triggered. I can’t tell you how many men have made idle threats to their wives when they felt backed into a corner.

At first those threats can feel paralyzing (old power dynamics at play), but then almost laughable when you can get a little distance from it all.

Oh, if I only had a dollar for every spouse that thinks they can rewrite marital law! But I digress.

This is precisely why you want to stay calm, clear and grounded during this process. That doesn’t mean you are perfect or not experiencing a lot of your own stuff. It means you’ve acquired tools to support yourself to do so — tools like setting healthy boundaries, communicating effectively, trusting your decisions, relinquishing power struggles that aren’t yours to control...the list is endless and cuts through a lot of nonsense.

On the last day of mediation, my client’s negotiations unexpectedly spiraled off course. It was a deflating blow because it could’ve ended there. Though disappointing, I told this mama to take a beat.

“Let him feel what needs to be felt. Let him get it out. Let him be...something tells me, he’ll circle back around.”

And he did.

Within days they had a deal. It wasn’t the same deal, but it was something she could live with AND be done, gain her freedom, move on, heal.

She wrote me,

“We have finally come to an agreement on the settlement, and he is ready to go back to mediation to finalize the paperwork. It’s not what I was hoping for and neither of us is happy (of course) but at the end of the day my sanity is still intact, my kids are being kept out everything, and I can walk away with my head held high ready to start the next steps for a new life. I genuinely feel a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in years.

Thank you for all your support and guidance. It has helped me tremendously through this whole ordeal. 2026 here we come!!!!!”

Each mother that makes it across the finish line feels like a victory dance — it’s not because they got everything they wanted, they actually got more. They got their life back.

The Intuitive Divorce isn’t just about divorce strategy, it’s about YOU — your wellbeing, healing and revealing. I don’t just witness legal resolutions, I witness glorious transformation in women who lost pieces and parts of themselves in marriage and motherhood.

And I’ve got to tell you; there’s nothing more beautiful. Each woman is forever changed and will forever move differently through the world.

There is a better path to a better divorce. The mothers I work with are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their lives. And there’s no price tag you could possibly put upon that!

Do you want what they’re having?