Could You Buy Your Ex a Gift?
I’ve got a big ask.
And bear with me...
What would you say if I asked you to promise to buy your ex a small gift from your kid(s) for every holiday (Father’s Day, birthday, Christmas, etc.) and/or have your child make a card for each event? If you have older children, could you encourage and help them honor their other parent?
What’s your first reaction?
I know it’s complicated (and I know you are divorcing this person, and I know you may be caught in a battle with them, and I know you may want to punch something at times), however...
Are you surprised by this suggestion? Is your first response to roll your eyes and sigh, UGH? No way! Not a chance! Not after everything he’s done!
I get it...trust me.
And yes, maybe he’s (or she’s) behaved badly, said hurtful things, betrayed you, broken your heart, thrown your life into chaos...and still I repeat, what if I asked you to promise to buy your ex a small token of acknowledgement each year while your child is too small to do so (or if your teenager needs a little nudge)?
You know why?
This ask isn’t about YOU or your EX...it’s about what is best for your kids right now. It’s about helping them navigate their BIG feelings and all the transitions in their life.
They need you to keep them out of the conflict and to create a space where it is OK to love both parents — and they need to feel safe to do so — to not edit themselves, hide secrets or overcompensate in any way.
Besides, you want them to experience the beauty of giving and receiving...and celebrating...both of you.
I know how hard this is because I did it with my son. Our circumstances were very complicated and didn’t exactly put me in the giving mood.
It required me taking myself out of the equation and compartmentalizing this sole objective.
When I reminded myself that this wasn’t for my ex, and it didn’t make me a doormat — it was about my child and helping him forge a healthy relationship with his father and finding his role in this new chapter...my heart softened.
I reminded my son every year...rain or shine...through dramatic ups and downs, court appearances and lawsuits...that we should think of a gift for Dad for whatever holiday was approaching. I would engage my son in choosing the card or making it, coming up with a gift idea, etc.
Now before you think there is a halo over my head...I did plenty of venting and bad-mouthing...just not to my kid. I saved it for my life coach, our child therapist, friends, family and anyone else who would listen.
Again, think short-term pain, long-term gain.
I was no angel or perfect parent (far from it), but I never regretted doing this. Even today, with a grown, almost 25-year-old son, I remind him. This is less about his father now and more about how I want to guide my son to show up in life. It is for him.
Think of your kid’s face when they surprise you with a gift or something they have made at school. They beam with pride (particularly the little ones). Allow them to do this. Don’t deprive them of this small joy.
Pull yourself out of the equation for a moment and table YOUR emotions about your ex. This isn’t about YOUR emotions. This is about YOUR kids and what they need. Remember, you are writing the future right now. How do you want to remember yourself in the story of your life?
The ‘high road’ may seem like the hard road...it often is, until you realize the WHY behind it all. And at the core of your WHY, mama are your beautiful babies. I know you are just like me — you’d do anything to protect, nurture and love them...
And trust me, your kids may even be surprised by this, but this is precisely what you want to do — show them that two truths can co-exist. You may be getting a divorce, but you also want them to have the space to love their father.
Best yet, maybe, just maybe it will even inspire your ex to get on board and do the same for you. Hey, a mama can dream.
Don’t attach to outcomes, but don’t give up hope either.
Go ahead and future-trip for a moment. Imagine being way on the other side of this chapter of your life. Maybe your kids are even married with their own kids at this point, and they remember and now recognize (and appreciate) what it took for you to let them be kids...yes, even through a messy, hard, painful divorce.
Isn’t that how you want to be remembered?
It starts here with present day steps and intentions.
Have fun at the mall. Happy shopping! [and btw, I’m proud of you, mama]
The ‘high road’ may seem like the hard road...it often is, until you realize the WHY behind it all.
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How does this resonate with you? I’d love to hear in the comments below…