Common Ground, Kids & Divorce
OK, so I get that there isn’t a lot of obvious ‘common ground’ to be found in most divorces, kind of counterintuitive to consider, right? But you might be surprised.
Bear with me a minute.
Clearly most divorce processes are consumed with heated arguments, piles of legal docs, negotiations, court dates and attorney’s fees — fighting over who gets what, co-parenting plans and calendars, custody, etc.
Many divorces are highly contentious and riddled with irreconcilable differences and not so Best Self behavior. It’s almost a stereotypical requirement.
But not with an intuitive divorce. Now before you think that this is all kumbaya and touchy feely and needs to involve cooperation of both parties — let me explain where I’m going with this.
First off, I want you to know that harnessing the power of your intuition is actually strategic, not woo woo. It takes grace, self-awareness and strength to remain calm in the face of adversity — and to be able to recognize the bigger picture at play.
It’s way too easy to get triggered and reactive by your ex and their shenanigans. I’m not suggesting that you give them or their bad behavior a get free pass, but I am suggesting that you consider what it costs you when you take the bait.
You can shut something down and still stay on track with your goals.
You can still have tremendous influence over the outcomes of your divorce and the trajectory it will take even if your spouse won’t play ball or meet you in the middle.
But far too many parents can’t see beyond their own noses in divorce, and they get pulled straight back into the drama unfolding and then add to it. It’s not because they are ‘bad’ people. No, they are wounded people with unaddressed, unhealed emotional scars they’ve likely been carrying for a long time.
And what do parents with unhealed wounds do with their kids?
They unwittingly place them in the middle of the conflict as they dodge their own issues.
They expose their kids to conversations and drama they shouldn’t be a part of.
They play tug-o-war with them trying to solicit them to ‘their’ team.
They assuage their guilt by overcompensating and overindulging them instead of helping them navigate their own big feelings about all that has unfolded in their family.
They YES them to death, give them what they want and refrain from setting boundaries.
And you know what? No one wins in this equation.
This is particularly evident with teenagers who are well-versed in pushing buttons and can be extremely manipulative. Can you blame them? Hey, we were all teenagers once! (But mark my words your littles have their own ways too).
They may act like they are ‘fine’, that their life hasn’t been disrupted or admit that they are bothered in any way...but it has, and they are. That doesn’t mean that they will necessarily want to unpack it all with you at any given point, but this is where you can plant seeds with them to nurture their feelings and help them take accountability for actions so they can grow into healthy adults.
One of the mamas in our program recently shared a tough situation she was navigating with her teenager. This mama has been rolling up her sleeves and doing the hard work for months; looking at her own stuff, soliciting awareness, nurturing herself and setting boundaries for her kid — and better yet, holding firm to them which hasn’t been easy.
Bottom line: Boundaries = love.
It sends a message that you matter enough for me to care about doing my job as a parent.
Now of course, there are few who like being told “No,” especially teenagers...no you can’t use my car, no you can’t use my credit card, no you can’t have a party while I’m out of town, no you can’t do whatever you want, when you want, how you want without boundaries and repercussions.
Back to this notion of common ground.
No matter how acrimonious a divorce, no matter what you agreed upon or didn’t, no matter what you think of each other or not — there is one place you want to find common ground...and that’s with your kids.
Parenting styles, triggers and any gamut of emotions aside — your kids didn’t ask for this and they need you both to get on board and put your differences aside when it comes to their best interests.
Harsh I know.
Maybe a tall order for sure.
But the wellbeing of your kids is paramount and trumps everything else. I know if you are here in this community mama, it’s because you care about divorcing differently.
I also know that you would likely stand in front of an oncoming train if you could prevent your child from any amount of suffering. So, now I’m going to challenge you to put your actions where your words are.
I want you to consider a moment if you and your spouse or ex could agree to stand on common ground for the benefit of your child/children? Especially a child who is in crisis or acting out.
What if two warring factions (i.e. you and your ex) could bridge the gap between your differences and unite forces for the benefit of your kid / kids? No one’s saying you have to forgive and forget or become best friends, but you brought this child into the world together — and that child needs you now, together.
Imagine what this could look like.
Could you set ground rules to keep the conversations and interactions between the two of you focused on the kids? When they deviate, shut them down. When you feel like you are about to say something you’ll regret, walk away. Commit to staying on track and one track only.
You both have a responsibility to cooperate on behalf of your kids. I know that may or may not happen or be remotely possible. But isn’t it worth a try? Aren’t your children and their wellbeing worth it?
When the divorce is long over and on the distant horizon and you look back on how you showed up, how do you want to remember yourself? How do you want your kids to remember it? You are writing that story right now.
I know that there is nothing easy about this, but when two parents can get out of their way and set their differences aside and unite as a team with a common goal — the love of their child — amazing things can unfold.
Imagine how your kids will tell this version of the story someday.
Maybe they would say something like this, “My parents couldn’t even be in the same room without devolving into expletives and anger, but amazingly, when I needed them most, they showed up for me. Honestly, I love them both. I see that they are happier in their new life chapters, but they showed me something really important about being a parent. I hope I can model close to their example when I become a parent. I don’t know how they did it, but they put their grievances to the side and helped me through one of the toughest times in my life. I put them through hell, but don’t know what I would’ve ever have done without them.”
Now just imagine that.
How amazing would that be?
We talk a lot about writing our next chapters beyond the divorce in our coaching program. You are planting seeds right now in your life, in the energy of your house and in your divorce for what you will find when you arrive on the other side of it all.
Make that story epic, mama.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
~ Rumi
Is there opportunity in your relationship with your ex to find common ground for the kids? What’s the biggest obstacle? I’d love to hear in the comments below.