Derailed In Divorce?
It’s easier to get derailed in divorce, than not.
It’s a huge move.
It’s a gamechanger that tosses life as you knew it on its side — and it is likely totally new territory which means that it can also be really anxiety provoking.
Yes, everything is changing beneath your feet — from the optics presented to the outside world, to your bank account to the family Christmas card. But you are here for a reason, and you need to remember that.
When a woman denies what she knows, sees, feels — she sabotages herself. And each day something within her is chipped away.
And even within the context of that, even when she knows she needs to go and makes a move in that direction — it’s so easy to get derailed, to second guess yourself, to get triggered and want to run back and pretend none of this happened.
But it did.
And you feel what you feel and know what you know — regardless of the fact that the next steps can be fear-inducing, heartbreaking or infuriating.
While we certainly don’t take the decision to divorce lightly, it’s really not about failing or being weak. To the contrary, it takes courage to face reality and stand up for what you want.
In a new memoir I’m currently reading, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life, author Lyz Lenz states, “We’ve all seen how the media portrays divorcees: sad, lonely, drowning their sorrows in a bottle of wine. But studies show that nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women — women who are tired, fed up, exhausted, and unhappy.”
And she also says, “The question is not why women break, it’s how they ever hold it together.”
That sums up a lot.
We all have a breaking point, but that doesn’t mean fear doesn’t lean in and reach for the steering wheel. Cue the derailment.
And I would actually prepare yourself for a bit of back and forth. What do I mean by that? Well, you can know you want to go and then have something tug at your heartstrings. You can know you can no longer stay and fear how you’ll rebuild a life on your own.
There are a million reasons to get derailed, but only 1 truth: Staying in an unhealthy relationship is not an option.
Overwhelm is one of the most common triggers. And even after a mama has left her marriage and is well into the divorce process, this is one of the biggest reasons they get derailed.
This is why you need guardrails, support, and someone to keep you accountable to your promises to self — someone to remind you that you are worthy of those commitments.
When a woman questions herself, at first, I applaud her. We should question ourselves, our motives, our intentions and all the reasoning behind our feelings, but we shouldn’t sabotage ourselves for the wrong reasons.
What are the kinds of things that do that?
Fear (how am I going to do this all?)
Unworthiness (maybe it would be easier if I just try to make it work?)
Overwhelm (where do I start, who do I trust?)
False hope (maybe he’ll change)
Sentimentality (why can’t it just be like it once was?)
Exhaustion (I don’t have the energy to fight)
Uncertainty (how will this all work out...what will my life be like?)
As I do with the women in our coaching program, I recently asked one mama for an update on where she was with the lawyer she just retained...she told me a packet tale of woe.
Packet? Yes, the packet her attorney tossed at her after she retained her — I call this the one-size-fits all monster of a doc that could make any already-overwhelmed mama want to run for the hills.
I totally get it. Who wants to do a forensic financial accounting in this state? And who wants to answer questions like, “Why are you getting a divorce?”
I listened a moment and then asked, “Didn’t you have a consultation? Didn’t you already discuss this with your attorney then?”
“Yes,” she replied.
Then I asked, “What’s the relevance? Put down ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the answer to that question and move on.”
That landed like a huge sigh of relief for her. I reminded her that while she needs her lawyer, the lawyer has been hired to work for her, not the other way around.
Ask your lawyer what the relevance of that question is. Tell them you just want to keep the train on the track. They’ll let you know if something is critical or if they need more info.
No one needs to tell you that you’ve already got enough on your plate trying to keep it all together; run a household, tend to your children, work, and now this on top of feeling cracked open, raw and full of emotions?
Yep.
You don’t need a homework assignment added to your already overloaded schedule.
Part of learning to be the CEO of your divorce (even if you’ve never looked at yourself that way), is to discern between busy work and priorities — and to implement boundaries and learn to protect yourself.
She was so overwhelmed at the prospect of that packet that she just let it sit there on her desk — and she’s not alone. This is precisely why a divorce can drag on unnecessarily, draining your bank account and keeping you stuck in limbo.
Yes, it’s easy to get derailed when you are triggered, but it’s also easy to learn new ways to navigate in the world. It’s precisely why you want to identify your triggers, why you want to have support beside you so that you can keep the train on the track.
This will save you time, money and heartache for you and your kids, but it will also bring so much more ease into your life in all your days to come.
You will look back at this from the other side and nod your head recognizing how challenging it was, but how proud of yourself you are.
Derailed no more.
