A Divorce Coach Walks into a Wedding…

It may be strange for a divorce coach to write about a recent experience at a sweet family wedding. I will admit it’s a tiny bit awkward, when asked what I do for work over the dinner table of an event, to respond, “Oh...I’m a divorce coach.”

It’s not as if I’m looking for customers! Ha.

No, I actually love LOVE and revere the institution of marriage and vows — PROVIDED that they are upheld. Provided that a couple learns to navigate the ups, downs and all-arounds of this human experience together. Provided that a woman is respected and honored — and isn’t expected to shrink and lose pieces and parts of herself. There are a lot of mitigating circumstances.

But I am also a staunch mama bear in support of women reclaiming their power and being given permission to step out of unhealthy relationships and write new life chapters.

And no, I don’t take those words lightly.

I thought about that a moment while witnessing the adorable young couple take their vows, listening to moving toasts and speeches and seeing the whole orchestration unfold. It was heartfelt, touching and emotional, a day that they (and their mothers who planned it all) had dreamed of for many years.

Just imagine if we spent as much time on the emotional preparation for walking down the aisle as we do wrapped up in the logistical details. What a gamechanger that would be!

And imagine if parents recognized the enormity of their impact upon the partners their children grow up to choose! We are modeling every day for our kids what it looks like to love and be loved, how to be kind and respectful, how to face challenging times.

Now I’m not suggesting that we sugarcoat life for our kids and pretend everything is OK. That won’t serve them or provide them with any coping skills to navigate their own life upheavals. But ask yourself, would you want your marriage for your kids? Is this how you want them to be loved and treated?

Part of that responsibility comes from modeling self-worth. How can you expect them to choose well or differently if you allowed someone to be abusive towards you and didn’t put a stop to it?

You know what that says to your kids? This is how people treat each other.

I know this sounds harsh, but there is so much more at stake than your experience in your marriage. It’s what your kids are witnessing, downloading and normalizing.

During the marriage ceremony at the church, the Pastor invited all of us there to commit to guiding, supporting, and advising this young couple. I truly loved that. There was a lot of well-earned wisdom in that room! And my prayer for this sweet young couple was that all the good that had been reflected to them via their parent’s marriages would help inform them moving forward in their new chapter together.

It's not about perfection. It’s about truth, integrity, authenticity, celebrating each other for who they are, not who you want them to be.  It’s that important. So no, mama, this isn’t all about you. It’s about the constructs you are passing down to your kids.

If that doesn’t stop you in your tracks, nothing will. Mamas can suck it up when it comes to their own needs, but when it comes to their kids...fasten your seatbelts.

It made me consider where things go off track and how, literally in this moment of celebration, no one considers that or really prepares for it.

When the videographer meandered the room inviting guests to make a toast to the young couple, this is what I said:

“May your life together be as beautiful as this wedding night full of twinkly lights, glorious flowers and shimmery candles. May it be filled with love and support and may you always stay committed to seeing one another, grow and become...and oh, have a hell of a lot of fun together. “

I also have to share a recent video I came across on social media. A middle-aged man was spewing something about marriage. He declared that we should ditch the marriage counselors and instead enjoy life together; take the trip, go to the fancy restaurant, make memories.

I could totally relate to that. Most marriages fall into the rut of routine — and there’s no one more adept at this than a mother. She acquires a PhD in people-pleasing, self-sacrifice and surrendering her needs on the altar of motherhood and marriage.

And she gets really good at it. Until she can no longer recognize herself. Until she feels like she is crawling out of her skin. Until she feels trapped beneath the thumb of perhaps a narcissist, emotional bully or control freak and years pass her by.

We never know what we will face in life — and most of us were ill-prepared in the self-advocacy department, but marriage isn’t a life sentence if its vows and core tenets aren’t upheld. But a mama must give herself permission to step out dysfunction and unhappiness.

There isn’t a mama here in this Intuitive Divorce community who hasn’t tried exhaustively to make her marriage work, but it takes two to tango. Now she needs to give herself permission to admit the truth of her reality — and to know that she is worthy of new chapters and happy-ever-after endings.

Yes, a divorce coach walked into a wedding and celebrated both the sweetness of marriage in all of its possibility, while recognizing the need for commitment to healthy and conscious self-awareness. They come hand-in-hand.

Pull up a chair next to me, mama. I see you. I feel you. I was you. While your marriage and your wedding vows mattered to you, I need you to hear me when I say, You matter too!

You can celebrate love stories and happy-ever-afters...and still honor self.