The Biggest Divorce Hack
Let’s face it, divorce and holiday parties don’t usually mix.
The mere mention of the ‘D’ word can have one running for cover, feeling anything but festive. And I get that...in fact, I once stood where you stand. It’s hard to paste on a happy face for everyone around you when you are riddled with emotions, uncertainty and upheaval.
And of course, holidays are laden with memories, expectations and ‘shoulds’ — what it should all look and feel like — the stress of how you are expected to show up for it all. There are realities to recognizing what comes up for you during these triggering times, but along with the realities are choices.
What do you want to do with it all? Which brings me to my point today — the biggest divorce hack.
Want to know what it is?
You might be surprised...
It’s living.
Yes, you read that correctly. Now, don’t roll your eyes. Stick with me a moment and let me share a few stories and drive this point home.
First off, the old story of divorce is tired and you probably don’t fit into that narrative anyway. You have your own set of unique circumstances and experiences that have led you to here.
And if you are in this community, I know you care greatly about how you get through this process for you, your kids and in many cases, even your soon-to-be-ex. You care about the big picture, and you care about healing and achieving your goals in a grounded, intuitive, heart-centered and strategic way. You care about the health and vitality of your family and your future. And you hold a vision of an easeful and joyful future chapter on the horizon.
You just might be having trouble getting there or knowing what steps to take first.
That’s OK. Why would you know? How would you know? It’s likely your first time (and hopefully your last) at this rodeo and divorce can be a complicated process. But it is uncomplicated by HOW you care for yourself as you navigate it all.
The biggest life hack during divorce is LIVING. Life shifts beneath your feet in divorce but it doesn’t stop. You don’t stop living, you choose how you are going to do it.
Now back to how I began this conversation... the mere mention of divorce drains the fa la lalala right out of you, but there’s something between being the life of the party and hiding beneath the covers in bed.
I also recognize that there’s a BIG cavern between the two. The key is bridging that gap. And the only way to do that is to start somewhere.
For the mamas in our coaching program I like to focus on helping them get calm, feeling safe in their bodies and understanding how to regulate their nervous systems. This lays the groundwork from which to build upon.
It starts with allowing — allowing yourself to feel, to get quiet, to pay attention, to notice things, to journal, to read, to create, to do nothing, to walk in nature...to laugh or cry.
It may be a bit uncomfortable at first. You’ve likely squeezed yourself right out of the equation and may come up with every excuse why you don’t have the bandwidth for one more thing.
Is any of this ringing a bell? My big question to you is...so, how’s that been working out for you so far?
Probably not so well, right?!
Well, don’t beat yourself up. You’re not alone and the story isn’t over. This is where it actually gets good.
When we are uncomfortable, we fidget and readjust — the same goes here. When we squeeze ourselves right out of our life equation, we get resentful. We feel frustrated, betrayed, angry and lost. We begin to suffocate.
So come up for air, mama. Start by asking yourself what you need. What could make you feel better in this moment — yes, right here in the mess of your emotions.
Do you see that glorious sunrise on the horizon?
Do you hear your children laughing in the other room?
Do you see how the sunbeam shining through the window illuminates the flowers on the table?
Do you see that life keeps going, the world keeps spinning around you even when you are sitting still and hiding?
What would it feel like to lean in a little?
What would it feel like to shake up the routine with yourself and your kids?
What if you could simply grab ahold of your present moments and stop forcing yourself to figure out every detail about what comes next?
I know when a mama in our program is shifting. It’s often gentle and quiet at first, but then its effects are undeniable. Witnessing this transformation is a slice of grace — it never gets old and truth be told, it usually makes me cry happy tears on the sidelines. It is amazing!
It really starts with noticing things — awareness and appreciation. Suddenly connections are made, healing ensues — and the tone and tenor of life shifts.
Recently mamas in our private group have begun sharing glorious pictures of misty sunrises, colorful fall foliage and waves crashing on beaches — and it set off a contagious chain reaction of more joining in. They’re coming alive again!
We are interconnected beings — a part of an entire vibrant eco-system all around us. When we numb ourselves, we are disconnected from its natural medicine. Conversely, when we plug in — we are nurtured and fed and we are enlivened.
I see it every day.
And guess what? It doesn’t have to cost you anything and you have access to it in this very moment. You simply have to decide what you want to reach for.
I want to share a story of a mama who recently leaned into this for herself and how her life seemed to shift almost instantaneously. I feel like it exemplifies what living during divorce really means.
Without going into the details of her personal story — let’s just say her divorce was complicated, frustrating and feeling really unfair. The system was lining up to leave her feeling victimized by a narcissistic ex and having to financially support him for a loooong time. She was overwhelmed and afraid of the ramifications of that and what life would look like for her and her kids going forward.
Mediation was proving to be long, tedious and somewhat futile — and she was about to pull the plug on this and shift gears.
But here is where the story gets really good — it’s the behind-the-scenes story. In the mess of this all, she leaned into her personal emotional healing journey. She made huge strides and connected big dots. She started noticing the beauty around her — taking pictures, finding meaning in songs and moving her mind, body and spirit.
And she sent me the best message I could ever receive about having the BEST weekend with her kids. The text went on in great detail about what they did and the silliness that emerged. The joy was palpable.
THAT is medicine for the soul...for all of you.
Life doesn’t stop because you are getting a divorce, but divorce is transformed by living.
Read that again...and one more time!
Now, this is not about bypassing feelings or shoving anything aside. This isn’t about pretending or rainbows and unicorns. This is about living. Life, even in the hard, messy, uncomfortable parts, can still gift you joy, laughter, peace — and inspire you to reach for a second helping.
As I say repeatedly in coaching sessions, two truths can co-exist. You can feel pain and still want to feel alive, heal and transform.
And aside from the happiness...let me tell you the most important part of this. Living is strategic. It may be the biggest divorce hack of all. Why?
Because when you get back into your body, you can make decisions for the right reasons. Speaking of decisions...I’ll leave you with this inspiration.
The mama I’ve been talking about was at a point in her mediation where she was going to throw up her hands and walk away. Instead of freaking out and relinquishing the potential weekend fun to worry and fear before her last scheduled session — she had a blast with her kids. She reset her nervous system. They danced and played.
And an amazing thing happened... she got very clear about what she wanted to do moving forward. She shifted gears completely, threw a seemingly crazy idea out to her lawyer (who immediately acknowledged that she was onto something) — and the next day, they had a settlement!
How incredible is that?
It’s true.
We never know what twists and turns our stories will take — or our timeline. But the ending isn’t yet written, so why not lean into what you want, what brings joy to you, your kids and your house?
This is the power of shifting, transforming and healing. Life will provide us with endings, beginnings and the opportunity for living in between it all. Trust me, it’s a good travel companion.
Where could you harness even the slightest amount of LIVING today for yourself?
Where could you settle into a little more ‘living’ even in the throes of divorce? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below…