Holiday Hall Pass
The moment I catch my first whiff of pumpkin spice...I know it’s all downhill from there and that like it or not, the holiday craze is barreling down upon me and about to descend upon an already packed to-do list and life.
Are you nodding your head in agreement?
...And that’s without a divorce in the mix!
Let’s just acknowledge that holidays can be triggering on a good day — possibly drudging up old memories, having to deal with the unsolicited advice and opinions of family members or spending time with triggering people, missing loved ones, oh and did we mention a contentious presidential election added to the mix? So, you need to cut yourself some slack, right now, right here.
Deep breath.
Your life is either currently in a state of upheaval or you are staring at the precipice about to make a massive life move. Either way, it can all feel like too much.
And maybe it is.
Everything is up in the air. Nothing is the same. And this is where emotions can run amuck, having a field day with it all.
It’s easy to get caught up in all the feelings of the way things ‘used to be’, the way things were ‘supposed to be’, the way you wanted them to be. And on top of it, we can have selective memories about the holidays of the past.
First off, could you start by releasing yourself from any expectation that you are supposed to show up, look and behave in any way or that the holiday itself is going to feel like a Hallmark holiday movie? That’s a holiday recipe for disaster. Do yourself a favor and don’t set yourself up.
So, what’s cooking for you...a plate full of expectation with a side of guilt?
I hope not! Let’s choose to dish up something else instead.
Are you worried about your kids and what their holidays will be like?
Are you comparing yourself to others, pressuring yourself about how you should show up? And if you will have enough energy to show up as the hostess with the most-est?
Could you interrupt this regularly scheduled program a moment and allow yourself to step out of that so you could try to see it differently?
Give yourself the grace you would bestow upon an overwhelmed friend in need.
Look, when you are in the throes of upheaval, it’s hard to feel festive and join the party. No one says you have to be or do anything you aren’t up to. However, there’s a lot between point A (lying in bed hiding underneath the covers) and point B (pasting on a happy face and pretending that everything is ‘fine’ and that nothing is going on in your life).
Between the two lies a sweet spot where you can experience what you are experiencing and still show up for yourself and your kids.
So, who is setting this expectation, anyway?
You may be facing challenging situations like dealing with shared custody during the holiday or vying for your kid’s attention. Maybe you are still living under the same roof and trying to figure out how you can just get through it all while considering what is in your kids’ best interest.
And yes, the reality is that when a family unit dissolves, many traditions go with it.
But here’s the good news: New traditions are waiting to take shape.
Think about what would bring you the most ease and nurturing during this holiday season. For some that would include gathering with others. For some it may be a call to remain quiet. Contemplate both scenarios. Ask yourself what would feel better and recognize that you aren’t making a lifelong commitment — you are simply taking steps to support yourself through this moment.
What would bring you joy?
What would feel more nurturing and easeful?
Then lean into that...and don’t worry what anyone else is demanding of you.
I know that sounds harsh, but it is intended to be more in the spirit of self-preservation — less about anyone else and more about you and your needs (what a concept!).
I know this is likely new territory, but when we don’t listen to the voice within or honor what we know to be truth, we betray ourselves — and no one wins.
Maybe you played the role of Martha Stewart when it came to the holidays — and maybe everything was tied up in a pretty, shimmery bow, and it all looked good on the outside while you were drained, depleted and suffocating on the inside?
Maybe you are the one who is over-committing to the decorating, cooking and baking, accepting every holiday party invitation, over-indulging in the gift giving etc.? It comes in many versions.
Maybe you are hiding behind this role you agreed to play so you didn’t have to deal with the emotions you are feeling?
Maybe it’s just too much right now. Could you even imagine giving yourself a hall pass this year? I’m not suggesting you toss your traditions if that doesn’t resonate with you. Instead, could you declare:
I’ve got a lot on my plate already. I love the holidays. I want to provide my kids with the best possible experience and preserve some semblance of normalcy for them...AND yet, I see that this year will be different. We are caught in the messy middle. This isn’t the way it will always be. But for now, I’m going to consider what I can and can’t do right now. And I am committed to NOT beating myself up for this because the greatest gift to self, my kids and our future holidays is to take care of my wellbeing.
The future remains unwritten, mama, but it is being informed by present day choices.
The key to navigating holidays during upheaval is twofold: Remain present and find things to be grateful for (beautiful sunsets, joyous kids, laughter, health, breathing fresh air, etc.). Yes, that’s it. I don’t care about the rest right now...and neither should you.
I know that can sound like a lot of blah, blah, blah...but these are powerful tools of self-care and recalibration (especially when you feel yourself sliding).
Don’t attempt to recreate the past; instead consciously lean into writing the future.
Design your holiday.
Enlist your kids.
Ask them what they would love to do.
Ask them what is most important to them...what their favorite parts are.
Fold them into the decision-making.
Let some things go, maybe add others.
Keep it simple.
Shake it up.
Make a meal together.
Set a beautiful table.
Collect items on a walk in nature to decorate your table.
Get creative.
Spend some time writing gratitude lists that you can share after dinner.
Allow yourself to exhale and release the pressure of this old image you are holding yourself accountable to.
We’ve all woken up the day after a holiday a bit spent — exhausted and over-leveraged. Perhaps the time is now to shake it up — to be true to yourself.
Most of all, break free from ‘shoulds’ and allow yourself to remember that even though you may not feel like it right now — you are a fierce momma. You are not giving up. You want more from life for you and your kids and you are bravely navigating dark, murky emotional waters.
Instead of being triggered by what once was, what’s missing, what still doesn’t feel right...remember what is possible.
You are on your way and can still experience joy as you go.
Seize the little moments. Hold them close. Count your blessings...and consider giving yourself a holiday hall pass.
You’ve got this momma.
I send you blessings and courage and fierce momma love as you go. And if you’d like me to hold your hand through divorce, with emotional support and strategic guidance through the process, book a free strategy session and let’s talk.
Holidays have you triggered? How could you give yourself some grace and approach them differently? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below…