I’m Done: When Collaboration Goes Awry
While marriage is a dance of two, you might be surprised to hear me say that divorce is actually a solo performance.
Yes, you’re negotiating with another person, but you are really negotiating with yourself.
What?
You are standing up for yourself and declaring (maybe for the first time) — I can no longer deny what I see, know and feel. I can no longer tolerate this unhealthy dance. I can no longer pretend that I am not suffocating, that I haven’t lost pieces and parts of myself along the way.
And in this suffering, where you feel beaten down and barely recognize yourself, you are expected to navigate this massive plot twist and make some decisions of significant consequence for yourself and your kids.
It’s a lot. I get it. In fact, I once stood where you stand.
And I’ll go out on a limb and say that if you are here, you are looking for a way to divorce differently — to not become yet another sad divorce statistic — to avoid the common narrative of retaining a shark of a lawyer and getting embroiled in a tug-o-war over the kids and an asset grab.
Something tells me you are ready to not only make massive change in your marriage, but in your life.
You are ready to heal old wounds, break patterns and transform the way you navigate life in all of its ups, downs and all arounds.
Now, just because you want sustainable change and just because you want to uncouple with consciousness, intuition and heart — doesn’t mean you don’t want to employ strategy, tools and make prudent choices so that you can save time, money and unnecessary heartache.
But hear me when I say this isn’t woo woo — this is strategic. And just because you want to show up in this spirit of collaboration doesn’t mean you are going to be a doormat.
Let me explain what I mean by that.
Just the other day I received a text from a mama in our program who was frankly at her wits end and completely frustrated by trying to co-parent collaboratively.
A core tenet of our program is communication and making child-focused decisions. It’s a place where two warring factions can meet in the middle and agree for the benefit of the kids (or not).
But believe it or not, it’s also where people just can’t get out of their own way. They’re so committed to fighting, that they don’t recognize all the damage that is being done around them that could be completely avoided.
“I’m done with collaboration,” this mama declared.
Everything she suggested and conveyed to her ex about the kids and their experiences was being misconstrued and manipulated. She was getting nowhere and feeling angry and resentful as a result.
Even though she wasn’t getting the outcome she had hoped for, I reminded her that was still winning. She was showing up for herself, her kids and her divorce in a way that she could feel good about — long after the ink is dry on her dissolution and the dust settles.
In the meantime, I reminded her how important it was for her to stay the course no matter how it was received, no matter how disappointed, hurt or frustrated she may feel.
Remember that while 50% responsible parenting is less than 100%, it’s so much better than 0% — and your kids are counting on you.
The reality is that it’s less about how others respond to us and treat us and more about how we stay the course and answer for ourselves.
We need to allow people to be who they will be. We can’t control them or fix them or get them to change, but we can stand firm in the conviction of who we are AND then establish firm boundaries to protect that. Consequently, we will also save ourselves a lot of suffering if we get back in our own lane.
They won’t like it, but too bad. They should’ve thought about that when behaving so badly. And hey, at least you are divorcing them!
But sarcasm aside, in the best-case scenario you may even be able to influence your ex to get on board communicating and conducting him/herself in a more respectful and loving way. Hey, a mama can dream.
Another mother in class recently displayed this healing in motion — and I’ve got to say it never gets old! Though she is still in the thick of her contentious divorce negotiations, I noticed a shift in her — and it was quite dramatic. Suddenly her energy felt solid and calm. Though she was clearly not yet where she wanted to be (the end of the process), she embodied the grounded, intuitive, empowered essence of her Best Self.
To be your Best Self isn’t to live a perfect life. It is to live peacefully, truthfully, creatively — no longer squeezing yourself into places you no longer fit or maybe never did. It is to feel aliveness — and to conduct yourself in a way you can feel proud of.
It’s OK to be done — done with chaos, unnecessary arguing and unproductive dancing back and forth. It’s OK to be done with trying to make things work and to even cut off direct communication if necessary. It’s OK to be done with unhealthy relationships and it’s OK to walk away.
What do you want to be done with?
Done with being triggered?
Done with betraying yourself?
Done with pretending?
Done with being manipulated, gaslit and abused?
Done with living a lie?
Done with an unhealthy dance?
Done with exhausting yourself and getting nowhere?
Remember that fighting drains you. Getting triggered and embroiled in drama drains you. Repeating the same things and expecting a different result drains you.
So, find a way to plug the drain.
Action/reaction. Don’t beat yourself up when something isn’t working — applaud yourself for trying and recognizing what is going on, for pivoting and making a different choice. It is very healing and cathartic to find new ways to navigate life. That doesn’t mean we won’t hit bumps in the road, there is no such thing. It means that we can take radical responsibility for our own wellbeing. That is radical self-care, mama.
I bet that is what you want to remember when you look back on this all from the other side. Isn’t this what you want to model for your kids, too?
Yes, you can still show up in the spirit of collaboration and conflict resolution no matter who meets you at the table.
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If you’re a mama in the throes of divorce and feeling ‘done’ with so much nonsense…but need help on next steps to moving through it while saving time, money and heartache…book a free Strategy Session and let’s talk.
Is there something you’re ‘done’ with in your co-parenting? Please continue the conversation in the comments below…