Divorce Pain
No one really likes pain or change, but like it or not, divorce typically brings both to the party, so you’ll want to know what to do with it all.
And mark my words, you can do hard things — remember, you birthed babies, mama.
When staring down a divorce, you’re being called to shift something in your life. When we find ourselves in discomfort or resistance, it’s an indicator that you’re ready.
In fact, I love this quote from my friend Kate Northrup, “Every time we meet resistance, we are meeting a part of ourselves that is scared.”
In other words, resistance comes bearing gifts for you if you choose to see it.
Imagine asking:
What am I meant to see here?
What is this trying to show me?
Where am I being guided?
What needs to change?
What do I want? (and yes, you are allowed to ask yourself this)
Scared isn’t ‘bad’...it actually translates to something new, unknown, dare I say potentially exciting.
I remember back to the night before I gave birth. It was a late Sunday night and no matter what I did I couldn’t get comfortable. Suddenly, I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin — nothing felt right, EVERYTHING was bothering me — smells, sounds, sensations.
In the quiet of my NYC apartment with soundproof windows, I could hear every car honking, every garbage can being dragged along the sidewalk, every voice talking. Each irritated me and felt as if they were happening right smack dab in the middle of my living room.
What I didn’t realize was that within 8 hours, I would be a mama. My body was prepping me, my mama bear instincts were enlivened and preparing. I simply wasn’t aware that there was actually nothing wrong; rather, all was perfectly right.
Within short time I realized what was underway (the water breaking kind of drove it home!) — I grabbed my ready-to-go hospital bag, my sleeping husband and headed off in a city taxi to the hospital.
We don’t trust change because we haven’t yet learned to trust ourselves, our bodies, our intuition, our capability.
In divorce you are birthing a new version of yourself. You are deconstructing to reconstruct your life. You are embodying a new way of being in the world...maybe for the first time. And you are deciding what comes and what stays.
You are identifying the dysfunction, the unhealthy relationship you are in and all the unhealthiness (and unpleasantness) it brings out in you.
That in itself is huge!
You are also breaking patterns, cycles and changing legacy. You are consciously modeling for your kids AND declaring, I AM WORTHY.
And before you think this is about MORE work, I want you to reframe this and see that it’s actually about LESS conflict and chaos. And that you get to play a pivotal role here.
While you may not yet know HOW to get through your divorce, I want you to know that you are not alone — and nothing you are feeling is ‘wrong’.
Just being able to declare that you want out is enough.
You are putting yourself in the driver’s seat. Don’t allow yourself to get derailed by the opinions of others — that includes family members, friends, colleagues, religious leaders. Trust me, everyone has something to say in this department. However, you’re not taking a poll.
Just check in with yourself and ask, does this make me feel better or worse?
This is your life and only you know what is happening behind closed doors — and only you know what you can and cannot tolerate going forward.
In fact, this is a very powerful healing journey.
It’s a chance to flex a new muscle, to reclaim your voice and your power, to uncover lost pieces and parts of yourself, to find the safety to become all that you desire as a woman and mama.
And while there is plenty that you will not be able to control in your divorce — like the timeline of the court system or your spouse’s behavior — you can do something even more powerful. You can control your own reactions and harness the power of your intuition and discernment.
It doesn’t happen overnight, but the mamas in the Intuitive Divorce learn how to seize the opportunity to transform their experience and outcomes for themselves and their kids.
They learn how to disengage from an unhealthy dance, to create healthy boundaries and how to advocate for themselves in ways they hadn’t before. They learn how to be with their pain, to reframe it and to seize its gift.
It takes a little practice and undoing, but once they do — they can’t even believe how much freedom, peace and ease it creates. They recognize the change within them and they even look back and thank their pain.
Yes, thank it.
Thank you for showing me what needed to change and what I was capable of and for nudging me here. I like this me, in this new chapter.
If you want the pain to stop — stop giving a VIP, all-access pass to the source of that pain.
If pain shows up for you, mama, don’t run and hide. Don’t beat yourself up or be judgmental. Don’t shove it somewhere for ‘later’. Don’t see it as a flaw or a failure.
Instead...
Try being curious about it.
Try remembering the badass that you truly are.
Try remembering your dreams.
Try loving yourself back to safety.
Try believing in yourself.
You see, it’s not all about court dates, filings, legal bills, fighting over assets and child custody orders — it can also be about healing from the inside out, backwards and forwards.
That’s how you divorce differently.
That’s how you transform divorce pains into growing pains — pain is temporary, but the new self you birth is forever yours! And hint: She is glorious!
