Fire Horse or Foal? Breaking Free from Fear and Finding Your Footing in Divorce

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I don’t know if it’s Fire Horse energy swirling about or not. But I’m finding myself feeling like I am ‘so done’ with what’s not working for mothers navigating divorces — and instead so much more interested in helping the women I coach see through a new lens of solutions and momentum.

For those who aren’t familiar, according to the Chinese zodiac, each year is named after an animal. The Year of the Fire Horse, which we literally just entered (February 17th) — is associated with intuition, autonomy and shifts in pace or focus.

Sounds like a divorce. 

As we enter a new year, we leave one behind (which was the year of the Snake). And what an amazingly relatable metaphor the snake is with its shedding of old skins?!

Maybe you’re also feeling like you are leaving behind old versions of yourself and embracing new ones (or at least trying to)? I hope so.

And while you may feel like more of a newborn foal (baby horse) entering your divorce than a Fire Horse — I bet something about the possibility of galloping off into the horizon of a new life chapter feels exhilarating.

Sure, you may be standing on wobbly legs with a lot of uncertainty — this is all new territory.

The Critical Moment Is Now

But this moment is actually critical for you. Whether you are divorce curious, or tiptoeing towards one, or in the messy middle of the process — the steps you take today inform the ones you will have to take tomorrow.

Now don’t let that paralyze you with fear. If you take a misstep or don’t like an outcome, you can pivot. But you need to put yourself on a path in order to initiate momentum in your divorce and life. You can’t sit around and wait and see how it works out.

That’s a recipe for disaster — for getting stuck in the spin cycle of the system with legal bills spiraling out of control. This leaves a mother feeling more helpless than when she started, stuck, vulnerable and deflated.

I’ve seen it time and time again with mothers who were afraid to advocate for themselves, who didn’t lean into learning new ways of communicating, setting healthy boundaries and walking away from the old dynamics.

I know it’s a lot. But as Einstein said, you can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it.

So, what derails us from taking action with confidence and clarity?

Fear.

The Fear Factor

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the acronym for fear...False Evidence Appearing Real. Keep this in mind as you read this.

The voice of fear tells us what we can’t do, what won’t work, what’ll never happen and it sabotages us every step of the way.

It’s doesn’t pat you on the back and remind you how capable, heart-centered and resourceful you are. It doesn’t validate your fierce mama bear intuition. It doesn’t remind you that you can do hard things. It doesn’t encourage you to color outside of the lines.

No, instead, it tells you to get back in line...do it the way you always have. But you can’t continue on business as usual. You can’t unsee what you see, sense and know especially when it comes to your spouse, your marriage and where it’s all landed.

Fear isn’t your friend when it comes to flexing new muscles. This is exactly how we get stuck in unhealthy dynamics in relationships.

Maybe you’ve been in a manipulative relationship with a narcissist who regularly gaslit you? Maybe it’s gone on for so long that it almost feels ‘normal’.

Relationships create patterns that we unconsciously repeat. This is one area where mamas frequently get caught up. Even when they know they want out of their marriage, even when they recognize the dysfunction — they can’t get out of their own way, and their spouses play on that. In fact, they count on it.  

Let’s be real. No one wants the dysfunction — they just don’t know how to stop it or how to get out in front of it and shut it down before it spirals out as it always does. The problem with this is that it then creates more internal chaos because they took the bait and now, they beat themselves up about it. Thus, the vicious cycle.

Interrupting Patterns

Breaking patterns doesn’t come easily at first, but it’s game changing. It reprograms the fear. It helps your voice be heard. And once repeated, it becomes the new norm.

No more triggering conversations, because they get shut down.

No more using the kids as pawns, because you know how to handle that.

No more abusive communication, because you set firm boundaries and protect yourself.

No more losing it and taking regrettable action and saying regrettable words that can work against you in a court case, because you know how to refrain from taking the bait.

This flips the old narrative on its side. It eliminates impending chaos before it enters your space. You set a new tone, you protect it fiercely and you move through life like never before.

You may not believe this in this moment, but you can even get to the point where you just laugh it off. YES, this is what is possible for you. Healing can have a sense of humor.

You get to decide.

What are the excuses that you’re telling yourself?

What’s the story playing repeatedly in your head that’s keeping you stuck and unable to see another way?

What if you were to just interrupt the next triggering encounter by asking yourself, “How else could I see this situation? Is there another solution here?”

The power of interruption is so underrated! It creates space to pause, regroup and reassess.

As I guide mamas in our group coaching program, I repeatedly tell them that self-awareness is the true breakthrough.

What if you deconstructed a scenario that regularly triggers you and sucks you into something you don’t want to participate with? Action/reaction. 

What if instead you could stop what you’re doing, step back and look at it as an outsider rather than a highly sensitive actor in the production?

I help mamas get out in front of their fears and change the course of their lives every day. It starts with small action steps and those small action steps thread together to weave a new story and set a new precedent.

This is how you don’t get stuck in the system draining your lifeforce and your bank account. This is how you don’t lose precious time with your kids and how you all transition to the new family structure and routine. This is how you begin to design your new life.

Divorce isn’t easy for anyone, but the mothers who lean in to get help are the ones that change the playing field. And their legs grow stronger beneath them, which is good because those legs will have to carry them across the finish line.

Divorce is about so much more than the division of assets. It’s about rediscovering who you are, healing and becoming. It’s about all the in-between moments where you have to get your kids through the tough transitions.

There is a better path to a better divorce...and the mothers who are recognizing that they need help straight out of the gate — are divorcing smarter, healing faster, protecting their kids and reclaiming their lives.

Which track are you going to run on?