I’m No Longer Available for That: Setting Boundaries During Divorce

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There is an undercurrent that quietly (or not so quietly) plays out in the background with so many of the women I coach. They often don’t even realize that this track is stuck on repeat and it’s one of my favorite things to excavate and expose.

Why?

Because the moment we see it, is the moment we can take action to do something about it.

This is going to sound really harsh. In fact, it may come as a jolt to your nervous system initially because it is such a departure from how you’ve been moving through life. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be changed.

We often normalize the dysfunction of our lives as a coping mechanism.

Do you want to know what the biggest fallacy women tell themselves?

...that there is a price they have to pay for advocating for themselves.

I want you to reflect upon that for a moment and ask yourself...am I doing that?

Let me tell you how that comes out (it’s trickier than you can imagine).

I want out of my divorce AND I care about how I do it.

I am allowed to advocate for myself AND that doesn’t need to come at the expense of anyone else.

Your life is not a zero-sum game...and neither does your divorce have to be. Two truths can co-exist.

In other words, your freedom doesn’t come at the price of your own wellbeing. Sounds totally logical and yet, the track playing in the background still tells you to explain yourself, justify your actions, and try to make everything better for everyone else.

What if I told you that isn’t your job, even if you think it is?

I know you’ll have to conduct a series of difficult conversations with your spouse, your kids, your family, etc. But that doesn’t give them an all-access pass to you continuously.

It’s time to get clear on a few things:

• You are not getting divorced to please or displease anyone other than yourself. This is your life and that can be enough of a reason.

• You can’t comfort the person you are divorcing.

• It’s OK if your kids are mad at you. (bear with me)

Everyone is entitled to their feelings and to processing how they want. I often remind mothers that if their kids are communicating (even if they don’t like the words), that’s a win because they feel safe enough to share.

But you cannot live your life for anyone other than yourself. Would you want your kids to do that?

Did you ever consider that what is good for you — is good for them?

What if you resigned from your role as the fixer, people-pleaser, take-care-of-everyone-else mother who is suffocating and losing pieces and parts of herself?

Go ahead...quit! 

Do you have any idea how much space you will reclaim?

I know change is hard. No one really likes it, but that doesn’t mean you need to stay stuck in the status quo.

Learning how to establish boundaries will create a new and healthy foundation beneath you. As soon as you can lean into communicating with clarity, calm and conviction — your entire life will transform.

What is it that you truly desire? When you get clear about that, you can begin to build the structure to support it.

I have a large index card that I frequently flash to mothers during coaching sessions (pictured here). They all laugh and then tell me they’re going to create their own. It hits like a truth bomb.

It reads...

“I am no longer available for that.”

When you’ve told your ex you want a divorce and he wants to rehash the entire marriage and everything in between that led to here... 

When your ex continues to bait and trigger you with contentious communication (even once divorced)...

When your friends and family want to insert their unsolicited opinions or advice about what you should/shouldn’t do...

When your kids are being weaponized by your ex, using them as messengers...

When your children are acting out and repeatedly pressing you to stay together or give dad another chance...

When your mind starts spiraling in future-tripping and worst-case scenarios...

Repeat after me...

I am no longer available for that.

I am no longer available for that.

I am no longer available for that.

And repeat it until it is heard.

Bottom line: If you are here in the Intuitive Divorce community, you care about HOW you divorce. You care about how your family gets through it all and whether you initiated it or not, you get to transform how you move through life from this moment forward.

Shutting down unnecessary and dysfunctional conversations, communications and encounters isn’t about being cruel or dismissive, it’s the complete opposite. It’s about caring and establishing new ways of being. It stops the insanity before it spirals out of control.

Boundaries get a bad rap. They are actually quite loving. Remember, if you didn’t care, you’d just let it rip. You wouldn’t care where or how it landed or who it affected. And hey, added bonus: Your healthy boundaries will help your children establish their own and may even influence your ex to get onboard. Win. Win. Win.

Getting clear on what you are no longer available for is the gateway to all the goodness to come. It’s there, mama, awaiting your arrival on the horizon of a new chapter.

And that’s something to make yourself available for!