Nowhere Left to Hide: What Moms Navigating Divorce Need to Hear

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Come out. Come out wherever you are.

I see you. I feel you. I remember what it felt like to walk in similar shoes. But yes, I still want you to take my hand, trust me and come out from wherever you’ve been hiding away.

Let’s talk. Hear me out.

What do you have to lose? To the contrary, I think you have everything to gain.

This is going to sound strange, but I get excited when a mama tells me she’s crawling out of her skin, that she just can’t take it anymore, she can’t go on like this...

You know why?

Because it’s an indicator that she is READY for change.

She may not know where to start. She may not even know where she wants to go or how to get there, but she knows that she needs to do something...because there is nowhere else to hide.

She can no longer hide beneath the laundry basket or in the office or carpooling her kids everywhere. She’s exhausted all options...lost herself in to-do lists, the household, the kids, the agendas, her spouse, work, family and community obligations.

And still, she can’t deny that she is shrinking, suffocating, seething or drowning inside. She can’t find her mojo or magic.

And she can no longer deny seeing what she sees, feeling what she feels and knowing that she and her kids deserve more.

We mothers tend to suck it up and continuously ‘take one for the team’ thinking it’s the most magnanimous route or somehow this is our obligation, but that will only last for so long and get you so far.

Because when the gas tank is empty, you begin to understand that you can’t run on empty. So, yes, many mothers come to me screeching in on two wheels, running on fumes.

Where Healing Begins

They know they are out of options...there is no more disguising the truth.

When a woman reaches her breaking point, when she recognizes that she can’t go on like this...tender seeds of hope are planted.

It pains me to see the lengths women go to try to fix, people-please and hold it all together. I can see the toll it’s taken on them — body, mind and spirit. I see the anxiety, sleepless nights and worry on their faces. The physical ramifications are real because the body keeps the score.

I see how they’ve squeezed themselves right out of their own lives. It’s painful to witness.

Interestingly, topics that come up in our group coaching class and in my individual sessions, seem to be relevant for all. Though these women come from different backgrounds, cultures, parts of the country, faiths and may find themselves in different circumstances and places in their divorces...there is a constant. That’s the voice of the heart — and it can no longer be suppressed.

• They want to divorce smarter, heal faster, protect their kids and reclaim their lives.

• They want to save time, money and heartache.

• They care how they divorce and the condition that they are in while doing it.

• And they want to keep their kids out of the chaos at all costs.

And yet, they don’t know where to start and who to trust — and when you ask them what they need or want — they often stumble over that question.

Why? 

Because their needs were abandoned along the way...not only by their spouses and commitments, but by themselves. Maybe you can relate?

In that state, most women feel so beleaguered that when asked what they want, this is the response I hear a lot... “some peace and happiness.”

But we can’t continue to do the same thing and expect a different result. We can’t just hope and pray that peace and happiness will mysteriously appear at our doorstep. We can’t continue to think things will change unless we change them. We can’t expect anyone to give us something they haven’t given us before.

And no, if your spouse didn’t play nice in your marriage, they likely won’t play nice in your divorce! If your needs went unattended or dismissed, there’s only one person who can shift this — she’s staring back at you in the mirror.

Self-Centered vs. Centered in Self

I remember growing up when someone said you were ‘self-centered’ — it was as if they were saying one of the most insulting things possible. No one wanted to be called selfish or arrogant. But isn’t it interesting that when you rearrange the words self-centered to centered in self — it takes on a whole other meaning.

Your Best Self is anchored in self-worth — and it is from that foundation we can show up and truly give to others. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup — you first must fill your own. 

Good girls and rule followers were rarely taught that centering in self was actually a ‘good’ thing. And yet, in that state we are grounded, calm, clear, intuitive, contemplative. We can hear our own voice, know what we need and be resolute in action.

Consider how centering in self could serve you. What would that look and feel like? What parts of yourself do you want to reclaim? Now’s the time.

I know divorce feels like a lot.

I know it isn’t easy.

I know that it casts a wide net across your entire life and scoops it all up.

But I also know that while leaving and rebuilding feels enormously overwhelming and impossible — staying where you no longer fit (or can breathe) is a far worse.

The more that you see, the less you can unsee.

Issues don’t fix themselves. Unhealthy marriages don’t heal themselves. Women who ignore their right to have wants, desires and needs, don’t trust themselves, feel comfortable in their own skin or feel alive.

But they can...the moment they decide to reclaim the lost pieces and parts of themselves, the moment they lean in and allow themselves to view the situation differently — kind of like putting on a new pair of glasses with a new prescription.

Divorce isn’t an easy decision to come to, and the process is riddled with detours, triggers and big feelings — none of which is a reason to stop.

When you are at capacity, filled to the brim and can’t take on another thing — it’s time to let go, to make space for yourself and to get support. But that means leaning in and finding a way to edge yourself back into the equation of your life.

It’s Never Too Late

Just this week, I had moms getting creative on behalf of themselves and finding ways to show up for class or sessions. Some called in from their cars, airport lounges, coffee shops, offices, bathrooms while trying to potty train their kids (hey, no judgment...sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do). 

Point being, when there’s a will — there’s a way. When you are at capacity, something’s got to give. And you are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to center in self.

Spring is upon us and it’s my favorite season. Growing up in the northeast, it’s a dramatic time of change in the physical world which influences the internal world. After a cold, gray winter of hibernation, being hidden under layers of clothing...we tip toe forward. The daylight gets longer, the temperatures warmer. We feel the stir within us.

This is such an amazing metaphor for divorce.

Just the other day I was admiring the light shining in a window illuminating a vase of tulips. I always marvel at these flowers. Despite being cut and placed into a container, they continue to grow...and grow in the most exquisite ways, like poetry in motion. Be a tulip, mama.

Don’t let the story that has come before, take you down. Use it. Let it guide you, inform you, inspire you. Don’t beat yourself up — invoke curiosity and admiration for yourself. Acknowledge what you now see. Pat yourself on the back for having the courage to see it, for no longer denying it, for peeking out from beneath your hiding places and declaring...

It’s time for change.

There is no better time than the present moment to come alive again, to heal, and to become the woman and mother you’ve always wanted to be. You can do it. I know it’s possible. I see it every day.