Stop Making Excuses in Your Divorce

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Trigger Alert: This isn’t a ‘feel-good’, warm and fuzzy, tie it up in a shimmery bow kind of post. I’m not going to tell you what you want to hear, I’m going to tell you what you need to hear. And what you need to know.

And if you aren’t ready for that...scroll on by.

The Excuse Truth Bomb

This is the voice of your fierce mama bear divorce coach advocate speaking. And today, I’m laying it down because I’m so frustrated by seeing women staying stuck exactly where they don’t want to be.

I’m exhausted with hearing the excuses about how they want one thing yet do another.

How they don’t want an emotional or financial runaway train, yet don’t take the steps to change that fate. How they stay stuck in the story of what has happened to them and what is happening to their kids but do nothing but talk about it.

Harsh, I know.

But I know how hard it is to make a move. I know exactly what it feels like to not be able to see the future through the dark clouds. I know how terrifying it feels to not know what comes next or how it will be paid for or how your kids will be impacted.

I once walked in those shoes, but I stepped out of them a long time ago.

My divorce wasn’t easy. I don’t even think there is such a thing. Whether you are divorce curious, or about to initiate one, or had one dropped in your lap, or are in the midst of the mess — hear me when I say, you need to show up.

You need to be proactive.

You need to figure out how you can use this instead of being used by it.

You need to craft a new story around what is unfolding.

You need to create a tight inner circle around yourself of support.

Refrain from giving everyone an all-access pass to your life at a time when you are trying to hear your own voice...your intuition.

If you don’t lean in, if you don’t start saying NO, if you don’t establish healthy boundaries, if you don’t learn to walk away, if you don’t advocate for yourself, if you don’t speak up for yourself and your kids and if you don’t invest in yourself — NOTHING is going to change.

Well, I’ll take that back...it’ll all get worse.

And I’m not trying to scare you. The situation you are in is scary enough! No, I want the opposite for you. I want to help you set yourself free. I want you to get out from underneath all the falsehoods that have played in the background telling you things like...

• It’s too late (it’s never too late to change the things that aren’t working)

• It’s too hard (you can do hard things)

• I can’t do this (yes you can)

• I’m too scared (how scary is it if nothing changes?)

• He’ll never agree to that (he doesn’t get to decide your fate)

• He’s going to weaponize the kids (and you’re going to counterbalance that)

• I don’t have the money for this (find it)

This is what it means to talk back to your fears. Now I’m not saying that fear doesn’t serve a purpose or that you aren’t being faced with difficult and stressful situations. I’m reminding you that you have a choice now. What are you going to do about it?

It’s easy to kowtow to fear and give in. But what does that look and feel like? Does it feel expansive or make you feel like you are suffocating? Ask your body. Yes, the body keeps the score.

When a woman wants out of her marriage and musters the courage to take action on behalf of herself and her kids, she is often met with resistance — especially from a spouse who has been calling the shots for years. That spouse will go to great lengths to stop you from changing the rules of engagement.

Trust me, I’ve seen and heard it all. Remember, the person you are married to likely knows your triggers and weaknesses better than anyone. And desperate times, call for desperate measures so they will push and prod every trigger and raw nerve that they can to achieve their goal — to get you to stay just exactly where you are.

Yes, Divorce Is Hard

Divorce is hard and it’s messy and it will dig up a lot of feelings. Let it. Feelings aren’t to be managed or fixed. They are meant to be felt. And whether you care to admit it or not, you’ve likely been stuffing them down for far too long. If feelings are rearing up, they are ready to be released. I’d even go as far as to say, that you are ready for them.

Don’t let anyone sugarcoat this process. Few experiences in life cast a net, this wide scooping up all that is most valued by you.

You’ll likely be overwhelmed, riddled with anxiety and doubting yourself. That’s OK. This is new territory and you are being asked to flex new muscles. But you can’t pretend it’s not happening. You can’t lose yourself in your to-do lists and taking care of everyone else.

When we awaken to the truth we can no longer deny, no amount of excuses or backpedaling will change anything. What is seen cannot be unseen, felt or known.

When you want out...when you declare, NO more!...when you just want to breathe again and come alive...you can’t take the hand of fear and fall back into the dark cave of denial.

I know it’s not easy. A divorce can rattle you to the core. I know it makes you want to hide beneath the covers, but it’ll all be there waiting for you when you come up for air. Only this time, it will feel heavier and all the feelings that were weighing you down will only grow heavier.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many mothers reach out to us each day to apply for our Inner Circle group coaching program. I know what a big step this is for them. I know how scared they are. I know how overwhelmed they are. I know how they want to protect their kids.

And you know what?

I want to help every single one of them. I do.

I love what I do. In fact, my favorite part of the week is the 90-minutes that I’m in our group coaching class. There is nothing more powerful than bringing women together in a sacred space where they can be raw and real. Where they can process what needs to be processed. Where they can feel safe. Where they can learn divorce strategy and pair it with new, empowering ways of being.

No matter what gets unpacked each week — whether we laugh or cry — I see seeds of healing take root, I witness momentum, I marvel in watching them come alive again.

But I can’t help women who won’t help themselves.

While circumstances vary, the emotional journey really doesn’t.

These women are no different than you, but what makes their divorces different and the health and wellbeing of their kids — is the fact that they took action.

Get the Help You Need NOW

I’m so weary of witnessing women throw themselves under the bus and come up with a parade of excuses about why they can’t get help NOW. Newsflash: LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU NEED THE HELP NOW.

You need more help than you can imagine with all that will be tossed your way — the tough conversations, the big decisions, the triggering encounters. That is unfolding NOW.

The legal fees will be staggering, and your retainer fee is just the beginning. Divorce will take much longer than you can imagine. Court systems are backlogged and attorneys have full calendars. And life will still unfold in your house.

But know that the help you get NOW changes everything. The condition you are in impacts the condition your kids will be in, how they will be impacted, how they will be weaponized...or not. The condition you are in directly impacts the experience and outcomes of your divorce...or not. The condition you are in informs the healing journey you will embark upon...or not.

That all makes sense, right?

Who couldn’t see the benefit of getting grounded and calm, setting healthy boundaries (and upholding them), communicating consciously and effectively, becoming clear with objectives, stepping outside of the drama and stepping back from trying to control and fix that which is no longer yours to control and fix (if it ever was).

It’s a lot, but it changes everything in this divorce and forever more. But it won’t happen overnight and in this state of mind, you’ll need to be both gentle with yourself and firm in the conviction that you need help.

We often don’t even know what we need and yet, you know that you need out and that something’s got to give.

You may think, I don’t know how I will ever get through this or how I will afford this or how I can even think about finding a way to get emotional support on top of retaining a lawyer. Well, whether it’s working with me or anyone else, you’ve got to figure it out. Find the money. Make it happen. Remind yourself that you and your kids are worthy of this.

This is your life, not an impulse purchase.

Your lawyer is essential, unless you are going to march down to the courthouse and file this yourself. But your lawyer is not your emotional support pillow. You cannot take them home to help you navigate the interactions with your kids, help you keep your you-know-what together or deal with your manipulative soon-to-be-ex.

That’s not their job.

Reality Check

Do you want to stay married to a someone who...

Belittles you?

Is emotionally abusive?

Is a narcissist?

Gaslights you?

Invades your privacy, tracks you, surveils you without your knowledge?

Is willing to use the kids as pawns to get what he wants?

If you are married to someone who has shown you any of this, trust that he is showing you who he is, how he will navigate this divorce and what lengths he will go to.

We have to take people at their action. It’s not enough to talk the talk, they’ve got to walk the walk.

And you’ve got to get out of your own way and stop making excuses for bad behavior. So many women are willing to take the blame and just suck it up.

One mom told me that she felt like she was blowing up her family.

That’s just the voice of fear speaking. When a manipulative spouse tells you that you are ‘over-reacting’ that’s just code for pushing back, saying NO, honoring yourself...declaring you can’t do this anymore and want a divorce.

Some families aren’t meant to stay together, especially those functioning in dysfunction. Besides, is this what you want to model for your kids? Do you realize that you are normalizing chaos? Do you see that the message being sent to your kids is that it isn’t safe to have feelings or express them? Do you want your daughter to grow up and marry a man that behaves like this or your son to become a man that would treat his wife like this?

THAT’S precisely the kind of stuff that’s at risk.

Depending upon the level of pushback, the middle of the process can be very messy, and it can take you for a ride. But even if that’s the case you need to stay the course. You need to find a way to be supported so that you can show up as your Best Self.

It doesn’t happen on the other side of the process. It happens here and now.

I invite you to write out all of your excuses...what’s getting in the way, why are you staying, why are you retreating, why are you putting up with this — and then talk back to each of those.

I wish I had a magic wand to wave across every aching mama right now. I wish they could see what I see — all of the opportunity and possibility to heal, to guide their divorce over the finish line on their terms and to be the woman and mother they always wanted to be.

It’s there waiting for you on the other side of that pile of excuses. We are only stuck where we agree to stay.

Find a way. Are you worth it? And are you ready to get out of your own way to claim it?

Make changes, not excuses! And guess what? Change takes change!