Divorce Insight (or Incite): The Choice Is Yours

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Everyone wants a roadmap through divorce...Just show me which way to go? Tell me what to do and how to get to the other side of this.

As if we could simply punch the coordinates into our GPS and off we went...if only!

That said, you do have to have coordinates, you do have to have a team around you that you can trust, you do have to acquire clarity and calm and listen to your intuition so that you can pair it with prudent divorce strategy — and guide this divorce across the finish line.

Yes, all of that amid this emotional chaos, overwhelm and messiness.

On the other side of this is your freedom, a field of exhales, the space to reclaim the lost pieces and parts of yourself and to become the woman and mother you’ve always wanted to be, living the life you’ve always wanted to live.

So don’t start telling yourself anything else.

That ship hasn’t passed. It isn’t too late...apparently it had its own timing. That’s it.

Whether you initiated the divorce or had one tossed in your lap, there’s a lot you’re going to have to navigate and the last thing you want to do is flounder your way through it. That’s exhausting and unnecessary.

Who can’t agree on that? And yet...

So much gets in the way and even the most well-intended can deviate from the plan and get derailed.

This isn’t the time to rehash the demise of your marriage in all of its details. THAT ship has sailed. So much of the overwhelm comes from trying to deconstruct all the hows, whats and whys that landed you here. That’s simply too much in this moment.

Those layers will hopefully unpeel and reveal themselves in time. There may eventually be time to dive into that, but it’s not now. Now is time to punch in some new coordinates, set your sights on a new shoreline, get crystal clear and course correct your life. It’s time to find a new target.

What is that for you?

It’s not enough to say...freedom. I want out. No, you need to become the architect of this new story. What does freedom look and feel like? Where are you and your kids going? Where are you? Wherever that may be...I bet you are laughing and smiling and so are your children. All is well.

All the mothers I work with want that, but that doesn’t mean that they all get there at the same speed...which had me thinking about what happens. Why do they get stuck? Why do they feel depleted? Why do they feel derailed? Why do they get sucked back into the chaos?

2 words came to mind regarding their approaches:

Inciteful / Insightful 

Ask yourself if you are putting gas on the fire of your divorce and stoking the flames — or are you stomping out the embers and maybe figuring out why the fire started in the first place and how to keep it out? No repeat divorces or unhealthy relationships please!

Interesting question, right?

Recently there was a terrible fire in an old house less than a mile away from where I live. Once the fire took hold, the house was engulfed in flames that appeared to be the size of skyscrapers. Despite the heroic efforts, the house couldn’t be saved. In fact, hours after the first fire, in the middle of the night...it ignited yet again, making the house unsalvageable.

It’s such a great metaphor for divorce and its healing opportunities...or not.

There are many schools of thought when it comes to divorce: run out and hire a shark of attorney and prepare for battle — or lean in and find a way to divorce on your terms, take care of yourself, your kids and all that’s most important to you while healing and putting your life back together.

Which would you choose?

Seems obvious, right? Well, then why do so many divorces become an emotional and financial runaway train?

Well, first off: the system is rigged against you. It’s not exactly set up for swift conflict resolution. While there are many honorable professionals in this industry, there are also delays, backlogs in the courts, not enough judges and it’s also a 50 billion dollar a year industry. There’s all of that AND the fact that we involuntarily comply when we allow ourselves to get sucked in.

Why would anyone allow it?

They don’t mean to, but they get triggered, overwhelmed, emotional — and that usually results in getting stuck in the spin cycle of it all. And once there, it’s hard to see your role in it. It’s hard to see a way out. It’s hard to imagine that it will ever end.

You have to have something solid to lean on during this process. For many that is faith in a higher power and ultimately faith in self. But in either scenario you’ll need to get calm, quiet and still so that you can hear the voice from within. That voice reminds you that you will live with the choices you are making now — not to scare you, but rather to be your North Star.

No, that doesn’t make it easy but you know something has to change, that you can’t take it anymore, that you can no longer deny what you see, know and feel.

How you get yourself through this, impacts not only your outcomes, but how your kids will get through this as well. Feeling overwhelmed by all the unknowns can’t be the reason you get stuck. Keeping the kids out of the chaos as much as possible is paramount because its impressions and impacts are lasting and will play out for years, even decades to come.

It’s that important.

Of course, divorce is a party of two deciding how this is going to play out. And there’s every likelihood that you don’t agree on the approach...I mean this IS a divorce. However, know that your side of the street matters. It’s at least 50% of the equation, maybe even more. And that 50%+ can make or break a lot of things and mitigate a lot of suffering...especially for your kids.

And trust me, I understand how quickly one can get knocked off their feet. Emotions run high. Fear settles in and tries to take over. I’ve been there/done that. I’ve wasted time, money and heartache. I’ve stressed myself out, lost weight and had many sleepless nights playing mental ping pong. I spent precious hours of my lifeforce trying to defend myself only to realize, as one of my favorite Dr. Wayne Dyer quotes states, “Your opinion of me is none of my business.”

Yes, at times I learned the hard way. My divorce was long ago at a time before podcasts, social media and divorce coaches. The resources were virtually non-existent, but thankfully, you don’t have to suffer the same fate.

Back to incite or insight — no matter what unfolds before you, ask yourself...am I going to use this or be used by it? Is it working for me or against me?

Am I inciting further chaos within myself and the divorce or extracting its powerful wisdom — wisdom that is aligned with my body, mind and spirit — wisdom that is guiding me?

Ultimately in life, when faced with any life adversity, we can learn to dance with it differently. It is a choice. No one likes difficulty or pain. No one wants to suffer or witness those they love suffer in any way. But developing new life tools and strategies to use these experiences instead of being used by them, changes everything.

It’s one of the reasons I always tell mamas that divorce skills are life skills. And the skills we teach in our program aren’t all about divorce strategy. While that’s critical, want to know what’s more critical? YOU and the condition you are in. What’s critical is learning how to advocate for self, to find your voice, set healthy boundaries, communicate effectively, honor your intuition. 

It’s the ol’ question which came first the chicken or the egg — you can put yourself on a better path to a better divorce and you can save time, money and heartache for you and your kids WHILE reclaiming your life and transforming how you move through the world from this day forward. You don’t have to choose which comes first — you get to do it all.

That’s an Intuitive Divorce, mama. And you know what else? It cuts through the overwhelm because it doesn’t leave anything on the table. You can heal and divorce simultaneously. In fact, why would you want to do it any other way?

Now that’s some INSIGHT!