Why You Should Avoid Divorce Court (and How to Negotiate a Better Divorce Instead)

Me and my son

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You likely won’t hear this from your lawyer, but you’re going to hear it from me...

I have a new obsession...keeping my clients out of court at all costs. ‘Costs’ being the operative word. Trials come at a stiff price.

Draining your bank account

Draining your life

Draining your mojo

No thanks!

Now, I understand that’s not possible in every scenario...but the longer I do this work, the more I think that it is possible. Hear me out.

Bottom line: most of us were raised to respect systems and elders, especially those in positions of power (like teachers, police officers, doctors, judges, etc.), right? And we were taught to understand the difference between ‘right and wrong’. And we believed that justice always prevailed.

THE GAMBLE

There isn’t a lot of ‘justice’ in the justice system when it comes to family law.

Not to sound completely cynical (because I actually subscribe to magical thinking) but going to court — especially in divorce — is like sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. Worse yet, you get to pay for the privilege of being there with your life savings.

A day in court with your lawyer at your side is no small chunk of change. Plus, you have to see your soon-to-be-ex and it’s a little intimidating. Not exactly a walk in the park. The other issue is that once your divorce is in the court room, there will likely be many more appearances to come. Cha ching. Cha ching.

Harsh reality alert: Once in the system, you are putting your life into the hands of other people to determine what is best for you and your family. And the outcome is, well, anyone’s guess. You’ll also be surprised at how long it can drag out as months turn into years.

And again, you’re leaving your fate to the whim of a judge who may not have read your file before court, who may not have had his/her Cheerios for breakfast or is exhausted from a long day or the contentious case before yours.

I’m not saying that judges are ‘bad’ people — but they are human.

If your case ends up in court, put your seatbelt on and prepare for a long and bumpy ride. There are delays in court schedules, you can sit for hours waiting to be seen and suddenly be postponed to a later date.

Of course, I know I’m speaking in grand sweeping stereotypes, and I might be freaking you out a little (sorry) but that’s not my intent. I just want you to have realistic expectations of the system and even more realistic expectations of your power in this situation.

It isn’t a time to sit back and hide behind your attorney or your big emotions. It’s a time to get crystal clear about your objectives, to take care of yourself so you can show up for the big decisions, triggering encounters and all the rest that comes with trying to negotiate with your spouse.

TAKING CONTROL

It’s time to realize that you have power here, even if you are feeling powerless.

This is your life and the decisions you agree to will affect your life going forward. Everyone else will go home to theirs after the dust has settled. So, take an active role...now.

• Tell your lawyer what YOU want.

• Convey what you are willing and not willing to fight for.

• Use your intel about your spouse when negotiating (less trigger more inclusive communication).

• Realize that there is a price to be paid for fighting endlessly and there is a freedom that comes with making concessions for the right reasons (your reasons).

I’ve seen it all.

Whether you initiated the divorce or had one dropped in your lap, decide what you want your divorce to look like. This is YOURS to design.

Do everything you can to negotiate your way out of this marriage and avoid the court system. No matter how difficult your soon-to-be-ex is, no matter how many stumbles you may have already made or how many fights you couldn’t walk away from...walk away from the one that is going to zap your lifeforce.

There is always a way to appeal to your spouse...even if things have already gone south. For example, if finances are important to your spouse, use that. At some point you can stand up, take off the boxing gloves and appeal to their financial sensibilities...

“Hey, things are clearly going south here, we are draining our bank accounts fighting and we are getting nowhere. This is awful for all of us, especially our kids. And while we may not agree on much these days, I think we can both agree that there has to be a better way through this. Could we meet at the table and get this done?”

You may not think that’s possible in your scenario, but everyone has a breaking point — a point where reason prevails. Few want to lose everything in the pursuit of being ‘right’.

And know that if you don’t take charge of your divorce, your team, your negotiations and your emotions — you risk your divorce ending up in court and by the time you get there you already feel like you are screeching in on two wheels a frazzled, beaten-up mess.

I have a client who came to me after nearly paying 150K in legal fees, which means her husband is somewhere in that same range with his own. Startling math. If that number doesn’t stop you in your tracks, nothing will. And guess what? They are nowhere. But she knew she needed to stop the bleeding and approach it differently.

Divorce can become the biggest run-on sentence you ever encountered if you don’t do something to prevent it.

On the flipside, there are certainly times when seeking relief from the court is imperative, particularly when you have a spouse that isn’t abiding by an order or you need to file a modification or emergency injunction. Sometimes you are left with no choice.

Unfortunately, this can also be time-consuming and costly and without immediate response. That’s why I’m advising you to consider court a last resort, not a first. Sometimes, the threat of going to court is enough to facilitate some action between negotiating spouses.

Oftentimes divorce negotiations get delayed or drawn out. Sometimes, the limbo in between favors one side or another. In the case of one client who had pursued the mediation route, her spouse had yet to agree upon child support. Weeks quickly turned into months and approached a year without anything. He was cordial enough, but honestly, shirking his fiduciary responsibility to his children.

When my client reached out to nudge him with getting the proceedings back on track, he responded that he was busy. Well, who isn’t busy? This was an infuriating response because what it truly translated to was: the status quo is working for me. You keep paying for everything.

I encouraged my client to apply pressure with her mediators, with a date and with taking necessary further action — to say something like: 

“This certainly is a busy time of year for all, but I feel it is imperative that we keep things on track. I know we can do this together without incurring more cost by coming to the table. I’m hoping you agree. I will need a response from you by [fill in your date] or I will be left with no choice but to reach out to my attorney (which I’d love to avoid). Let’s continue to work together to see this finalized for all. It will be good for all of us.”

Btw, that got a response. He didn’t like it and felt offended by the pressure to resume, but the real offense is assuming that someone else should put their life on hold to suit your needs. This is a divorce!

Remember, you are setting the tone of your divorce right now. It doesn’t matter what role you previously played in your marriage — what matters now is how you firmly and effectively communicate and lead the process. And importantly, how you find a way use what you know about your spouse to invite them, not incite them.

Find a way out. You don’t need to be right. You need to be free, and you don’t need to tie your life up endlessly and lose all your money and sanity while you do it. A simple way to start is by writing it down. Answer the question, What is it that I most want with this negotiation?

Or maybe write it in letter fashion (just as an exercise, not to send out). Get all of your thoughts out, THEN go back and edit it. Be a ferocious editor. Cut out all the editorializing, all the jabs, all the snarkyness and see what you are left with. You might be surprised that it is a clear, conscious, firm communication.

Bingo.

Remember this isn’t a love letter, but you also don’t want it to fan the fire that is already blazing.

When there’s a will there’s a way! Trust me, I’ve seen miracles here.

Call on your master negotiator! I’m rooting for you.

This is what I do every day. I walk beside mothers who are reclaiming their voices, aligning with their intuitive selves, and grounding their nervous systems — which, btw, is both radical self-care and strategic in divorce. They are connecting the dots that the condition they are in NOW effects the condition of their divorce outcomes and how they show up for all the in-between moments. They’re learning effective communication skills and navigating their divorce with calm authority.

There is a better path to a better divorce — and if you want to divorce smarter, heal faster, protect your kids and come alive again...WHILE saving time, money and heartache, I want you to consider an Intuitive Divorce.