The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Kids
The mamas who work with us don’t want to hurt their kids. In fact, they all pretty much want the same thing — to know how to get them through the divorce in the best way possible. They want tips, tools and strategies (of which there are many) — and to make sure they will be OK.
First off, I want you to know that they will be OK if you are OK.
And of course, I know that’s a tall order when you feel like your world has come undone at the seams and it can feel like you are drowning in conflict and chaos.
But you want to know the greatest gift you can give your kids as you navigate divorce?
Bar none, it’s staying grounded, being present and steadfast in your commitment to keeping them out of the conflict.
Again, that may seem obvious at first, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to put into motion. And at a time when your life may be unraveling in all aspects, simply put, it’s hard to keep it all together.
Probably the two most challenging moments for mamas are:
Figuring out when and how to initially tell the kids and then
Navigating co-parenting; in particular, two homes and the dreaded handoff.
It’s a tremendously emotional moment for all of you — and they will be looking to you and following your lead. What do you want that to look like? You don’t want to wing this. You want to have a plan.
This may come as a relief to hear: Even if your kids aren’t aware of this yet or can even articulate it, many children of divorce are actually relieved when their parents separate, the dust has settled and the anger and upset of the house has dissipated.
You can’t hide the negative energy of a relationship that’s dissolving.
It is unhealthy and emotionally unsettling for children to live in a house of anger, criticism and verbal abuse. They feel it all. It can also plant some self-destructive seeds in their psyche about love, relationships and navigating life adversity — especially when it goes unexplained.
And yes, the reality is that they are witnessing this all from the front row — and if you don’t tell them anything or think that you can get to that later when the dust settles, they will assign their own meaning to it (and that may be far worse than the reality).
But here’s the thing, you don’t have to get it perfect. No one ever will. You simply need to show up for yourself and your children. And when you do so, you can stay focused on your desired outcomes.
What do your kids want?
They want you to stop fighting
They want to love both of you
They want you to be kind to each other (which doesn’t mean you have to stay married)
They want to feel safe
They want to not be caught in the middle
They want to not be your therapist
They just want YOU...they want to have your attention, to play, to be present, to cuddle
Your kids can be the center of your attention and not be caught in the middle of your conflict.
Read that again. There is a huge distinction here. Your job is figuring out how you can do that.
The dreaded ‘handoff’ that I referred to above (which could be the literal transition from one parent to another, one home to another or even passing the phone to your child when the other parent calls to talk to them) is a stumbling block for many.
Change is complicated and uncomfortable for most of us, young and old. But when we face a dreaded event head on with consciousness, compassion and consideration — we alter the outcome.
And when we see the results of that — we see what is possible and we can weave it through the rest of our life events. That’s modeling for our kids. That’s keeping them out of the conflict. That’s showing them that we are human — we can have emotions and we can still be solid.
This is what divorcing differently looks like.
It’s not about denying anything or shoving it to the side to deal with it later. It isn’t about having the perfect words. Instead, it’s about a new approach — one that takes the whole picture into account — one that wants to break free from this pain and all that lead to it once and for all. It’s about healing and new chapters. And I can’t think of a better gift to self and your kids.
Your future self is reaching back to you now. She knows what you are capable of and she wants to encourage you to write this chapter in a glorious and courageous way that you can look back upon one day and feel good about.
That doesn’t mean it won’t be challenging — it means that if you receive the right support, if you reach for that which will nurture you through it — you will change history.
I know this is hard...maybe harder than anything you’ve faced off with in your life. And I also know that if you are here, reading this, curious about what an intuitive divorce looks like — your sweet mama heart is searching for a better way.
Listen to her...she knows best. What is she whispering to you?
