Hope Springs Eternal...Even in Divorce

It’s hard to focus on anything but divorce when divorcing. I get it.

It casts a wide net over your life and seems to scoop everything up along with it. I also get that.

No one knows the harsh realities of the process more than me. Been there done that.

BUT while divorce can be disruptive, anxiety-producing, triggering and emotional...it can also breed hope.

Hope?

Yep.

I’m currently working on my Intuitive Divorce book. In a recent conversation with my book coach I said, “You know, this is a book about divorce, but it’s also really a book about hope.”

It’s a chance to...

• Break free from patterns and cycles that are dragging you down and holding you back

• Stop hiding, playing small and suffocating in an unhealthy marriage

• Redefine life on your terms

• Model healthy behavior about love and navigating adversity for your kids

• Become the woman and mother you want to be

• Heal old emotional wounds and let go of heavy baggage you’ve been carrying

• Live the life you want to live, not the one you are stuck in

Yes, even through the mess of it all — there’s a lot of hope for the future in this divorce process if you will allow it.

But it also requires telling the truth to yourself and catching yourself when you are about to slip into an old pattern of thinking or behavior.

It’s not just about thinking happy thoughts or being in perpetual motion. It’s about getting in the gap between the two — and finding a new way of being in your body, mind and life.

You see, hope can be the wind beneath your wings propelling you forward, or it can actually be the cinder blocks on your ankles keeping you stuck where you no longer belong.

How is that possible?

Well, this is something that’s coming up a lot lately for mamas who are in the messy middle of it all. These are the ones who are facing off with the past, the present and the desire for the future. 

Yes, hope springs eternal — and what’s not to love about HOPE?

Hope that things will work out

Hope that we will be OK

Hope that we are making the right moves for ourselves and our kids

And then there’s a thing called ‘false hope’. This is where we get tossed a bone that derails us. Perhaps your soon-to-be-ex suddenly behaves kindly, says the words you longed to hear for years, promises to change and do whatever it takes...etc. etc. etc.

Any of this familiar?

Here’s where we sabotage ourselves. We comingle our desire with reality. We assign meaning to gestures based upon what we want to see, not the truth. Why do we do this? Because the unknown is well, the ‘unknown’ and most of us don’t like navigating without a map and some directions. It can be unnerving, triggering...scary.

But that doesn’t make an untruth true. For example, a kindness or token of civility shouldn’t be confused with a reason to delay or stop the proceedings or doubt your intuition. As I always say, two truths can co-exist.

You can acknowledge a kindness, you can acknowledge the pain of letting go and the string of broken promises that accompanied it — and still keep your foot on the gas pedal moving forward.  And you can see the good in a positive exchange or shift.

You can also acknowledge that there is hope:

Hope that you can get along as you coparent

Hope that your ex is getting the help they need to be a great parent to your kids

Hope that you can divorce with respect for each other

Hope that you don’t get caught up endlessly in the system

And maybe hope that someday you could even be friends.

But you can’t deny what you know, see, feel and intuit.

I want to remind you that just because your marriage didn’t work out, just because this chapter is ending — doesn’t mean that it was a failure.

Things end. People grow and change. You are allowed to move with it.

You’re looking at a divorce for a reason. You may be scared but there’s also a kernel of hope within you calling to be nurtured, supported and set free. It’s the butterfly within you that wants to take flight.

And just like the butterfly who has to struggle free from the confines of its cocoon — this takes time, you don’t take this decision lightly — if anything, you’ve likely sacrificed much and overstayed your welcome.

Am I right?

It’s OK to put yourself in the equation, mama. This is YOUR life.

You don’t have to have all the answers, you don’t have to know how to divorce — you just need to know how you want to feel and be in this life of yours.

When was the last time you felt hope for the future?

Divorce is hard, but it’s also the spring of your new chapter. It’s a beginning. And in spring it gets warmer, the ground softens, vulnerable new growth emerges forward and reaches for the sun. That flower is you.

Hope is a 4-letter word I wish we said more. And this is what I think it stands for:

HOPE: healing, opportunity, peace and evolving.

Hold onto your hope, mama for you, your kids and the future you are creating.

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite the darkness.”

~Desmond Tutu

I know you are holding onto a morsel of hope, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Let’s nurture that together.