New Boundaries, New YOU
To say that boundary work is powerful, would be an understatement!
In fact, divorce or no divorce — this is a topic that should be taught in school. Can you even imagine how that would’ve changed the trajectory of your life?
But I digress.
This is a topic that we dive into regularly with the mamas in our coaching program because it’s a gamechanger in divorce.
It’s a gamechanger in identifying how you got here in the first place (so you can heal the emotional wounds of the past).
It’s a gamechanger in how you show up in your divorce (so you can set the emotional tone for you and your kids of how you will experience the process).
And it’s a gamechanger in the outcomes you reach and the condition you arrive in (so you can protect yourself, feel good about how you do it and begin to build a future on your terms).
Simply put, it cuts through the unnecessary chaos and gets you where you want to go faster.
Boundaries are the gateway to transforming your experience of your divorce. They can feel like walls, but they are actually new beginnings.
And at a time when a mama is feeling so powerless, learning how to create healthy boundaries puts her back in control of the things she can control.
And I get how that may feel like learning a new language or flexing a new muscle — so many of us were never taught how to communicate consciously and effectively — or to give voice to our own needs and desires.
Further to that, we may have considered doing so to be a ‘bad’ thing or selfish — that we would upset someone else, they would be mad at us — that this was a zero-sum game.
But nothing could be further from the truth.
Having no boundaries doesn’t make us a ‘good’ person...it makes us a vulnerable, unhealthy and unhappy one.
There are many parts to boundaries:
Understanding where you need one
Identifying what excuse you are making that prevents you from creating one
Taking action
Honoring and protecting them
First of all, let’s get clear on one key takeaway: Boundaries are about You & You not about anyone else.
Remember, crossing your own boundary is betraying yourself!
So, how do you flip that?
If you recognize that this is a place that makes you a bit uncomfortable...good! You are not alone. I can’t even begin to tell you how many mothers staring down a divorce say, “I’m just not good at boundaries.”
You know where it starts?
...Right there with that awareness.
When we begin to see where things are not working — where there are unhealthy patterns of behavior, where there is anger or pain and where we are shrinking and losing parts of ourselves, where something is missing — we need to harness the power of that awareness and take action.
That sounds perfectly reasonable...but how?
A divorce is a declaration — not just about the division of assets and a co-parenting plan. It’s about who you want to be in your life and how you want to feel. It’s about redefining how you are going to treat yourself — and how you are going to allow others to treat you as well.
It’s a new way of being for you and your kids. Consider what you want to model for your children and the skills you hope they have to navigate healthy relationships. Let’s teach them what no one taught us before so they can avoid these growing pains.
We have to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. This is how we demonstrate the power of boundaries in our lives to others.
Maybe you need boundaries with your soon-to-be-ex, or friends and family, co-workers or even your kids.
Consider the places in your life where you feel that you are not in alignment, where you don’t speak up or tell the truth, where you say YES and you want to say NO, where it feels like the path of least resistance, but you know you will pay the price for it later. Where you sacrifice yourself and your wellbeing to avoid conflict.
The reality is, that kind of avoidance is only a Band-Aid. You may tell someone what you think they want to hear and then suffer the consequences silently within. That comes at a cost to you.
So, where do you need to say no?
It starts with giving yourself permission to nurture and support yourself and your NO.
No, I don’t want to do that.
No, I’m not available for that any longer.
No, I can’t divorce you and soothe you.
No, I don’t want to talk about that.
No, you can’t speak to me like that.
Remember we show people how to treat us and demonstrate what we will and won’t do. And trust me, life will provide you with myriad opportunities to create boundaries.
And that doesn’t mean that people will get in line right away. This is where you need to stay the course and dedicate to the ultimate outcome and not give in. You already know that giving in doesn’t work.
Eventually people will realize you mean business...and that there’s a new Sheriff in town. Eventually they will get on board because you will no longer tolerate their behavior, and you will get more accustomed to defending your needs.
One mama who initially had to cohabitate with her narcissistic and difficult ex until her divorce settlement was completed had to learn how to flex new muscles of communication so that she could create limits around what she would and would not talk about and when. She went from hiding in her room to confidently shutting down the unhealthy discourse and walking away. In doing so, she laid new groundwork and rules of engagement that brought her so much more peace.
Another mother had to firmly put her foot down and let her soon-to-be-ex know that he had to abide by their co-parenting schedule and that just because something ‘came up’ during his time, she couldn’t be expected to cover for him. (This is a common one!)
I hate to say it, but many men are advised by attorneys to file for 50/50 custody of their children as a means of control and to avoid paying child support, but they have no mortal idea how to parent 50/50.
And while we always encourage flexibility when it comes to co-parenting, it also requires responsibility, accountability and mutual respect.
Another place boundaries come into play is in having conversations with your ex and/or family members and friends. If your relationship with your spouse is contentious, create boundaries around what you will communicate about and how you will communicate.
For example, you may only agree to discuss your children. If that’s the case create a statement to support that and refrain from taking the bait of a triggering ex. It could be something like this: “In the spirit of successfully co-parenting and making child-focused decisions, I’m only available to discuss our kids and their needs.”
Far too often family members like to share unsolicited opinions about our decisions. Kindly let them know you aren’t open to receive at the moment. You can say something simple like, “Your love and support of me and my kids means more to me than you can imagine, but I’m sure you can understand that this is a very emotional and tender time for me. I’m working through a lot and would like to process it all before discussing. Thanks for understanding.”
And if any of these interactions go south, if there are any big outbursts or emotions — any crying, screaming, pleading — walk away. We are not in control of others and/or how they choose to show up and feel.
Let them process their own feelings. And remind the people-pleaser in you that you can’t change people no matter how hard you try.
These are just a few of many examples that come up regularly for the mamas trying to navigate divorce differently — the women who are trying to reclaim lost pieces and parts of themselves and to lean into a new way of being in the world.
Yes, it takes consciousness and practice, and it will likely feel uncomfortable initially. But suddenly, you will begin to witness calm in your nervous system and life. Boundaries are a path to freedom.
You will take charge of how, what, who and when you engage. Doesn’t that sound like a relief?
And what better time to start then now? Yes, right here in this upheaval and these emotions. You get to decide what comes next.
So, no matter where you are, what’s gone down this holiday season or not — pay attention to how you feel, acknowledge what isn’t working and consider what you could do to support a better choice for yourself.
It’s never too late to be your Best Self, mama. Exhale unnecessary conflict, inhale peace, ease and clarity. Cheers to a new boundaries and a new YOU!
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Would you like help creating boundaries and creating a better divorce experience and outcomes for you and your kids? Book a free divorce strategy call and let’s talk.
Are boundaries a difficult construct for you? Let me know more in the comments below…I’d love to hear.