Parental Alienation: Kicking It to the Curb Before It Damages Your Kids
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This one is a little longer but that’s because it’s important for you, your divorce and especially your kids. It’s about Parental Alienation which can creep in and take up residence in insidious ways. Unfortunately, I witness this with many of the mothers I coach, and I’ve experienced it in my own family.
For so many mothers that I work with, the cornerstone of their divorce is their children. They know they want to keep them out of the messiness, they want to guide them, protect them and make them feel safe so that they can thrive and be kids.
They just don’t know how that’s possible or what steps to take first — and that’s OK. Once you’ve got your WHY, you’ve got a touchstone. Now you’ve got to build the support around that.
Even if you are ending a marriage, there is often one place where two divorcing parents can meet, no matter how contentious — their children. The Me against You can become a We.
We want to keep our kids out of the chaos.
We want what’s best for our children.
Now that requires conscious navigation, but it is the one place where parents can commit to keeping their kids out of the mess, not playing tug-o-war over them or weaponizing them...if they choose.
If someone told them how impactful their current choices with respect to their kids would be long term — they might act differently. They may get out of their own way.
I likely don’t need to tell you that a lot of big feelings arise in the divorce and get played out during the process. And when not navigated in healthy ways, can totally delay and derail a divorce unnecessarily for months, even years, costing time, money and a lot of heartache for all.
And yet, it’s totally avoidable.
There is so much more at stake in a divorce than the division of assets and fighting over co-parenting schedules. Smack dab in the middle of that are your kids.
And here’s a truth bomb: They didn’t ask for this, and you need to get them through it. This is an obligation, not an option for both of you.
Of course, I recognize that not everyone is going to get on board here, but your side of the street will matter even more in that scenario. You will need to create an anchor of stability beneath your children where it is safe to have feelings.
You can always recoup finances, move to a new house, heal old wounds, rebuild your life and start again — but the emotional damage inflicted upon your kids now can last a lifetime.
It’s that serious...and it’s unfolding right now. Even if you are simply divorce curious and haven’t taken steps to initiate the process yet, your kids, no matter their age are feeling the energy of the marriage and the house — and they are assigning meaning to that.
There’s no hiding in dysfunction.
I was recently interviewed on a podcast to speak about Parental Alienation, a topic I wish I never had to talk about. Not because I don’t have a lot to say about it, not because I don’t love helping mothers navigate this — but because I wish parenting came with a contract signed by both parents that stated: I will not drag my kids into the chaos...ever.
If only.
Hey, I’m not saying that’s easy by any stretch, but when you simply ask yourself before letting that snarky remark out about your soon-to-be-ex, if this is going to help or hurt my child — you may change your mind completely — not to mention, save a lot of anguish for all.
For the most part, I believe parents have good intentions when it comes to their kids...until they get triggered, emotional, reactive...until they can’t get out of their own way and see past their own noses.
Sadly, it happens all the time.
This is why I’m always beating the drum that the condition you are in while divorcing will directly impact the condition of your experience and outcomes. Makes sense right?
Do you want to come screeching in on two wheels a frazzled mess or lead the process with calm, clear, intuitive resolve? You have to fill your own cup so that you can show up for all the tough stuff...like the worst one...Parental Alienation.
What Is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation is one of the most painful, destructive and totally avoidable outcomes in divorce.
To start, Parental Alienation comes in many sneaky forms that add up and wreak havoc on the safety and stability of your children. It’s trying to solicit your children’s affections, influencing their thoughts, directing them to pick a team — and it’s putting your kids smack dab in the middle of the messiness of two divorcing parents. It’s often an ego play when one parent disparages the other, coerces the child/children to believe something about the other parent, strategically alienates them from the other, shares info they shouldn’t be privy to, uses them as messengers, etc.
It’s a power play and a terrible setup for kids. It’s about the parent, not the kid(s).
It’s the result of parents who are unable to put the needs of their children first (even if they think they are). And divorcing parents have an obligation to work together to protect those children. I wish there was a way to have two parents sign an agreement about this before being allowed to proceed with divorce. In our Inner Circle coaching program, we crafted something called Divorce Vows. This is a template for building a framework around how you want to show up for your kids, how you are committed to this promise. It’s also an invitation for your soon-to-be-ex to join you.
Two people can divorce responsibly and keep their kids out of it. It’s that simple and that complicated.
Most women I coach are blindsided by how far a feuding ex will go, dismissing their kids' wellbeing in the process. I see it all the time. The revelation is painful, but the destruction is far worse. I had a mother whose husband decided to get back at her for wanting a divorce by doing everything in his power to allow his teenage son to excommunicate himself from his mother. Again, this was about him, not his kid because despite what he felt about his wife, he shouldn’t have co-mingled his influence on his son.
Teenagers often have big feelings and a lot of rage about changes being made. They can take their feelings out on their parents and those feelings can come out sideways. By allowing and even encouraging his son to excommunicate with his mom, the boy’s father ultimately hurt him. Events get missed that can never be recouped. And in the case of this young man, instead of learning how to navigate feelings and face hard conversations, he was allowed to hide and shut down. This is a terrible setup for how he will navigate relationships moving forward, leaving so much opportunity missed and a trail of sadness behind.
Let’s Talk Narcissism
Narcissism and Parental Alienation typically go hand-in-hand. But I also want to state that everyone thinks they are divorcing a narcissist AND more importantly — these are 2 terms that courts don’t generally appreciate being tossed around. Why? Because they are overused, abused, and misused. These are terms that a court would rather hear from a licensed professional, rather than a warring parent. That doesn’t make them untrue, but there is a better way to demonstrate it and convey your message more effectively.
Parental Alienation is a common play by a narcissist who only sees life through their lens — how it impacts them. The rest is a secondary concern, if any concern at all. I hate to break it to you but if you are divorcing a narcissist, you’ll probably need to put your seatbelt on and prepare for some level of Parental Alienation.
A narcissist will throw you under the bus, will drag the kids into the conflict, will share info they shouldn’t be privy to, try to influence them, manipulate you, will play the Disneyland parent and do everything in their power to solicit your kids to their team.
They rarely see the pain and suffering they’ve inflicted. They rarely take accountability. They rarely (if ever) do repair work.
But it leaves a lot of emotional scarring that children carry into adulthood. It influences how they feel about themselves, future relationships and how they move through the world — how they feel safe or unsafe expressing emotions or being emotionally available. Let that sink in. Yes, it’s that big.
I had a client whose ex had zero hesitation about using his kids as messengers and placing them in the middle of it all as if they were hired negotiators. Despite the emotional and physical abuse that finally led his wife to file for divorce, he repeatedly told the kids that he didn’t want a divorce. Their mother worked overtime to keep them out of the details and negotiations, but Dad encouraged the kids to talk to their mother on his behalf.
This set-up created the perception that it was all mom’s fault. As a part of his ploy, he made the move to a temporary living situation very difficult on the kids. It was long distance, the kids didn’t have their own space and had to miss out on time with friends, commitments to after-school activities and it created a lot of resentment.
Classic narcissism at play: If I’m miserable, we should all be.
Here’s a little good news in all of this. You know how you win divorcing a narcissist? Well, you’re already winning if you are divorcing them. Period. End of story.
And so are your kids. While they likely can’t see that now and while the narcissist is likely creating a scene — in the long run, this is the only way to protect them.
What Are Signs That It Is Happening to You?
You know your kids. You can see sudden changes in their behavior, demeanor or overall spirit. They tend to be more guarded, afraid to say the wrong thing, begin to withhold information or become performative. If they are young, they may be more clingy, transitions between parents and homes become more difficult, they can develop sleep issues, behavioral issues in school, and may want to check in more often with the non-present parent. You want to have your radar up.
Children often try to overcompensate as if they can take care of one parent, as if it is their job to fix or change something or worse yet, believe that it is their fault. For example, if a parent shares too much info, it can make them feel frightened or responsible to do something to help the other parent. I’ve heard moms recount things they hear from their kids like, “Daddy feels really sad.” Or “Why is daddy crying?” This will only lead to anxiety or unhealthy overcompensation.
Older children can take advantage of this. For example, teenagers love spending time at the ‘good time Charlie’ dad house where there are no rules, no limits on screen time, no bedtime, no enforced structure, etc. This gets tricky. I had a mom just tell me how her son would stay up at dad’s until 2:30 am and then call from school the next day because he ‘didn’t feel well’ which is code for ‘I’m tired.’ Then he would come home from school and take a nap. This is manipulating both parents to get what they want. Teenagers can become more reclusive, isolated, belligerent or depressed. Pay close attention to shifts.
Another important thing to remember is that no matter the age of your children...they are children. They do not possess the same coping mechanisms and skills you may have as an adult to let something go or roll off your back. Words said and actions taken, in front of your children leave a mark that will affect them in ways you may not realize. Remember to watch the snarky remarks and eye rolling in front of your kids. They speak louder than words and can cut like a knife.
No matter the age, remember that your children are not your confidantes. They are not a conduit for carrying information back and forth between you. It is not their job to pick a side.
This may feed your ego but hurt theirs.
Children want to love both parents and barring danger or abusive behavior, the greatest gift you can give them is to allow them to love who they want and to come to their own conclusions.
Ultimately, no one can tell you who to love. If you try, it will backfire on you. Maybe not today, but eventually — and in a very big and painful way. Consider how you will answer the question down the road, “Mom, why did you prevent me from having a relationship with my dad?”
What could you possibly answer that you will feel good about in the long run? You’ll never get a do-over or be able to turn back the clock, so do your best to always pause and consider your motivations.
When we empower our children, they have room to process and figure things out. This is definitely a long game.
What Should You Do If You Think Your Ex Is Trying to Alienate You?
Pay close attention. Get your kids in therapy. Make it safe for them to express their experience and share their feelings. Normalize conversation about emotions. This will be good for all of you. Assure them that they are safe to share even if you don’t like what they are saying (and a little self-reflection could help — it could be something you are doing). Guide them through this and help them develop their own skills for communicating their needs.
Be present. In this busy world of ours we rarely take the time to simply slow down and sink into the present moment. The world won’t stop spinning if you take a time out from the to-dos and tasks. Make time to engage with your kids whether that is an activity or outing — like a picnic or a hike, a family dinner, or connecting with them by playing a game they love (yes, even the awful electronic ones...ha) or creating artwork. Whatever it is, just show up and witness how that feels. Just be together and see what comes up and how everyone calms down. It doesn’t have to cost you anything.
Enlist your kids. There’s no sense pretending that changes aren’t afoot. Recruit your kids, in age-appropriate ways, to help design how you want the new norm to look and feel. Talk about what’s important, what you like/don’t like. Ask them, How can we work together? When asked their opinion, kids are actually great problem solvers. I’m a fan of charts and calendars for little ones. I know teenagers can roll their eyes initially, but you know what — everyone loves a home that is filled with calm, stability and love.
Find helpers. Talk to teachers, counselors at school, coaches, mentors and try to build a network of support around your children. Let them know about changes that are transpiring in your family so that they can keep an eye on your children. Think of these as extra eyes on your kids and an extra layer of protection. Indeed, it takes a village to raise a child.
Document. Document. Document. Keep notes on events — violations of orders, schedules and obligations with dates. This is evidence for your case. In the most contentious situations, I always encourage mothers to only communicate via apps like Our Family Wizard. This sets a tone for your divorce. It creates an environment of controlled communication and a layer of protection for you. It provides documentation of requests and agreements — and demands accountability. You can set a boundary that, barring an emergency, all communication goes through the app and not via email or text. The content of the app is documented and can be read by the court. It’s a great self-monitoring tool as well because as I always advise my mamas, “Don’t send any communication that you wouldn’t want a judge to read.” Now that’s a good editing tactic!
A Word About Courts
Here’s a bitter pill to swallow: Barring dangerous circumstances, the courts offer very little, if any, intervention with respect to Parental Alienation. I know that sounds crazy and deflating, but it’s true. The mechanisms just aren’t in place. And as I mentioned before, courts typically don’t respond well to the use of the terms ‘Narcissist’ or ‘Parental Alienation’. The legal system doesn’t really recognize the emotional rights of children.
Essentially you want to paint a picture with documentation and allow the court to come to their own conclusions. Facts speak louder than mudslinging (even if it’s true). Yes, you’ll want to become a good notetaker, but it’ll pay off. Note: You’ll make a stronger case if you organize all those documented events so that you are showcasing the most egregious events and patterns of behavior. (AI can be very helpful with this).
I’m never going to try to diminish or sugarcoat how upsetting...actually devastating, it is for a mother to witness her children being used, brainwashed and turned against her.
I wish there were quick fixes here, but there aren’t. And when you are already navigating a full plate, this is the last thing you think your mama heart can tolerate.
I had a mother who reclaimed her motherhood in divorce. She had been the breadwinner. She had agreed that Dad would pick up the slack at home with their child — and for a while it worked, until it no longer did.
The problem was that when she finally realized that she had to leave this marriage, her husband doubled down on making their young son codependent upon him. It was unhealthy and emotionally abusive. Dad used this child as a support pillow, exposing him to so much more than he should ever have been. It created tremendous anxiety and created a lot for my client to unravel.
The reality is that the longer we avoid our gut instinct and intuition about situations, the harder it can be to dig out. Ultimately, my client did prevail in receiving support from the court in the form of a Temporary Restraining Order. This was a case where the circumstances rose to a level the court couldn't ignore. But she had a lot of unraveling to do with her kid. One day I equated it to going through rehab. I explained that her child was detoxing and that it would take a little bit of time to help him calm his nervous system, feel safe and reestablish his relationship with her.
Through her determination and thorough documentation, she was able to put support in place for her son and legal protection to ensure that she wouldn’t be continuously undermined. That certainly didn’t make it easy or comfortable, and it didn’t mean that she gave in to every temper tantrum or whim of her child. But it gave her space to see progress and healing in motion.
Now, keeping your kids out of the chaos doesn’t mean you are a doormat.
You can clarify for your kids if something they regurgitate is true or untrue, but that doesn’t mean you open yourself up to explaining all the reasons for the divorce. It doesn’t mean that you dive into the details of the demise of your marriage play-by-play.
It means that you are demonstrating to them who you are, how you will always show up and that their wellbeing matters. When you stay the course, your kids win. And when your kids win, you win...and in an optimistic world, your ex just may follow suit. Win. Win. Win.
