Speaking From the Heart (Even If It’s Broken)

Speaking from the heart is my love language and a core tenet of my coaching practice — yes, even in divorce.

And of course, I know that speaking from the heart when it feels broken or when you are distraught, consumed with fear or riddled with anger — may seem like an impossibility, but it isn’t.

Have you ever lost it on someone? You know, after you’ve kept your feelings bottled up until they can no longer be contained...and BOOM! They suddenly find a way out — and it’s not so pretty. We’ve all been there...especially us worn out, frazzled mamas trying to juggle everything for everyone, bypassing our needs and pretending we are OK when in fact, we’re not.

Sound remotely familiar?

And surely your soon-to-be-ex knows your triggers and exactly what buttons to press. But how you respond to life is on you.

I’m sure it’s no surprise to you to realize that divorce is going to dig up a lot. It can feel like an emotional rollercoaster ride — up, down, and all around. The mere thought of that may have you running for cover, but you wouldn’t be feeling what you are feeling if there wasn’t something that needed to shift.

Consider for a moment how it would feel to get off that rollercoaster and feel safe and stable? What would need to happen in order for you to do that?

First off, let’s be clear about something: Getting into your heart is about YOUR healing. It isn’t all about what happened to you or who did what to you. It’s about how it is working for you, releasing you, reminding you who you are.

It’s a homecoming.

I work with powerful women every day who are showing up to navigate divorce differently. Their stories may vary, their details differ, their wounding dissimilar — but at the core, their hearts hurt.

Some lash out with tirades, others deflate into puddles of tears and some do both, but one thing’s certain: their feelings are revealing what needs to be healed in their way and their timing.

And I walk beside them.

I know beneath one feeling is another waiting to emerge and share its wisdom.

It’s incredibly powerful to witness women connecting the dots of their own experiences and weaving them together into a magnificent new life chapter.

I see it taking root in their lives every day and it never ceases to stun me.

In a recent session I had with a beautiful mama who is quite a force to be reckoned with, she told me about an 18-page letter she had written to her husband prior to the dramatic ending of their marriage — a letter never given that remained tucked away, words unsaid, feelings unexpressed.

This wasn’t a scathing rant, but rather a touching expression from her heart filled with raw sadness, the kind that could only have come from love.

She had never mentioned it before, and I leaned in with curiosity as to why it was being discussed now. I was glad she had kept it, as opposed to having shredded it in a fit of anger. It stood as physical evidence to remind her of how she once felt.

Her heart was speaking. 

Now without going into the details of their marriage with all its twists and turns, the message here is that something was shifting internally for her. This letter was her heart and it wanted to be heard in the negotiations.

Prior to this moment, let’s just say she had done everything she could’ve done as a savvy businesswoman to ‘get her ducks in a row’. As the capable woman she is, she built a team of support around her, took care of the house, the kids, the logistics and was potentially nearing the finish line, presenting a drafted agreement to be signed.

Crafting those agreements is never fun and often stirs the emotional pot. It’s often where people get stuck — not addressing what is actually going on underneath and then finding themselves fighting back and forth endlessly. Ca ching. Ca Ching. Goes your attorney’s bank account.

It could end there with two people agreeing to resolve the dissolution of their marriage with as little angst as possible...or not.

Hey, it’s called a negotiation for a reason. It’s about ‘negotiating’ — giving and taking, not getting everything you want. Fighting for ‘everything you want’ could leave you with nothing in the end.

Even if negotiations take a detour. Even if you lose your you-know-what. Even if you’ve gotten off to a bumpy start. You can change the tone of your divorce negotiations at any given moment. 

Remember who is sitting on the other side of that table.

You may see him/her as the enemy right now, but what would happen if you remembered that you were once in love with this person and you wrapped your life around them. They are the father/mother of your children — which by the way, means that they will be in your life forever (and that’s a long time).

There will be life celebrations, weddings, events, eventually grandchildren...what’s that going to look and feel like?

Are you going to continuously put your children in the middle of this divide? Think about that for a moment.

Back to the letter my client wrote and her impending mediation date in court. It was all coming up for her for a reason. “I was thinking of sharing this with him. What do you think?” she asked. I got chills when she told me. The good kind.

Something had decompressed within her and softened. It was allowing her heart to remember and whisper to her. It’s not that she wanted him back, it’s that she was feeling the enormity of this life shift and that’s how we heal.

Up until this point, their communication had been contentious. “You have everything to gain and nothing to lose,” I responded.

Let’s be clear about one thing: this wasn’t about the outcome and expectation of how another would respond. This was about my client.

Sure, perhaps a kind gesture may be rebuked but that’s on them, not on you. What if that gesture shifted everything? What if her courage to act from her heart changed the trajectory of the entire proceeding? What if they both suddenly remembered who was sitting on the other side of the table and in honor of what WAS good, they amicably resolved their differences?

How amazing would that be?! It’s possible and it has to start somewhere. Why not with you?

And the reality is that there is a 50% chance it could go the other way and fall on deaf ears. It still matters because you are claiming how you are negotiating your side of the street and that is something to feel really good about now and down the line when you look back.

Another mama who has crossed the line of divorce and successfully negotiated her co-parenting of their young child, shared another heartfelt moment with me this week.

Instead of focusing on criticizing her ex for myriad reasons, she redirected her attention to something her ex had done right and complimented her on that. This kind of communication plants seeds for a new relationship to develop.

As James Redfield says, “where intention goes, energy flows.”

Divorce is an ending to something that at some point mattered to you — and you likely built dreams around it and padded it with hopes. And now, it is an opportunity to rediscover yourself — your role in this marriage, why it fell apart, why you stayed, why you abandoned yourself and why you want out, to heal and write a new chapter.

Remember to give your heart a seat at the negotiating table, mama. You’ll never regret that.