What Your Kids Really Want
I heard the most heartfelt confession today from a mother long after being on the other side of her divorce.
We had been talking about the need to keep our kids out of the conflict at all costs, no matter the age.
She shared a story of calling her daughter at college one day to wish her a Happy Valentine’s Day. It was a quick call but just as she was about to hop off, she realized the call was still connected.
Her daughter was walking with a friend and she overheard her say, “Mom calls for holidays. Dad calls for holidays. Moms sends cards. Dad sends cards. Mom sends presents. Dad sends presents. But you know what I really want? Is for them to just send one collective gift to me.”
WOW.
Straight out of the mouth of babes (or young adults).
First and foremost, what your kids want is to not be caught in the crossfires.
They don’t want to live in a war zone.
They don’t want their lives to change.
They don’t want to be told what to think or feel...or who to love.
They don’t want to be asked to pick a side.
They don’t want to feel unsafe.
They don’t want to see you unraveling.
They don’t want you to fight over them.
They don’t want you to interrogate them about the other parent.
They don’t want you to bad mouth the other parent, or smirk and roll your eyes when they call.
They don’t want to be your confidante and support...they want to be your kid.
They want your love, support, connection and presence. They want room to breathe, space to figure out who they are in this new family unit and a solid foundation beneath them.
We owe that to our kids. They didn’t ask for this chaos. They didn’t ask to be stuck in the middle of the choices we made or the dramas we co-created.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you sugarcoat what’s going on in your life, especially during divorce. That doesn’t ultimately do them any favors either. I’m asking you to take a deep breath, connect to your heart and mama intuition —and consider how you want to mother them through this.
Who do you want to be in this divorce story?
Of course, many kids don’t want their parents to divorce — but what they really don’t want is fighting, upheaval and living in a house of negative and toxic energy.
They will get through the divorce and be OK if you are OK.
I’ve spoken before about the importance of helping your kids celebrate their other parent (yes, even the awful, narcissistic, problem-maker you are divorcing). Remember, this isn’t about them, it’s about your kid.
What does your kid need?
They need the space to come to their own conclusions.
As hard as it may seem, as much as you want to protect them from heartache — they will never hear it and worse, it will backfire on you if you try to get them to adopt your narrative.
So, don’t.
Guide them, nurture them, love them enough to write their own.
Spare all of you the unnecessary grief instead. If your kids are young, encourage them to draw a card or picture, help them choose something to celebrate their other parent’s birthday or holiday. Take them shopping, witness their joy. Allow them to be excited and safe to explore this. This is a priceless gift.
Even if your kids are teens, remind them of holidays. It sends the same message — big or small that translates to, “It’s OK to celebrate my parents and not be forced to hide it from them.”
And I know that doesn’t guarantee that it will be reciprocated or received well on the other side, but again, this isn’t about them, it’s about your kid. You only control what goes on — on your side of the street.
But one day they will remember this moment — and you won’t regret having done it, even when you wanted to rant about your ex instead.
Remember to save that for your friends, coach, family and those who are safe to confide in. Just keep the kids out of it.
So back to this notion of a ‘joint gift’. I know that may feel like a far stretch at the moment. And as they, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
But you have children with this person, and you will be connected to them for the rest of your life, like it or not. The good news is that you are freeing yourself and can build your next chapter without them.
The bad news is that you will have to see each other for events and celebrations in the future. How do you want that to look and feel like?
Back to the mama and the conversation she overheard. As a little background, her divorce was contentious which you need to know because when you hear where it ultimately landed, you won’t believe it.
With years between them, decompressing and healing, these two contentious divorcees eventually found their way to sitting around the table for shared holiday meals and guess what? They even started to grant their daughter’s request and contribute to joint gifts.
And even if you aren’t even able to remotely imagine this notion now — and I certainly don’t expect you to be there yet, wouldn’t it be a nice wish to hold in your heart?
When you sit quietly and tap into your mama bear intuition and ask yourself, “what do my kids need?”
What comes up?
Seek refuge in your heart and its answers.
How does this resonate with you? What is it your kids are needing right now? I’d love to hear in the comments below.