To Nest or Not to Nest
To nest or not to nest...that is the question many divorcing parents consider. To be honest, there is no ‘right’ answer...only your ‘right’ answer.
And btw, that can change.
Your co-parenting plan will be as different as your stories and your DNA. There is no one-size fits all in divorce.
What may start out as a good idea for the ‘right’ reasons, may reveal other aspects that you hadn’t considered. The biggest being that for the most part you are trying to negotiate this with the same person you are sitting across the table from trying to divorce.
That complicates matters for many reasons.
It takes a special kind of commitment to civility and consciousness to be able to successfully nest.
In case you’re not familiar with the term, nesting is an agreement between 2 parents to share the family home but leave during the other parent’s custodial time. In essence it keeps the kids in their familiar environment surrounded by their room, routine, structure and stuff with as little disruption as possible.
Easier said than done sometimes.
To be honest, I’ve rarely seen it work. Some couples start out nesting, but it quickly devolves for myriad reasons: disrespect of common ground rules, parenting styles, privacy, heightened emotions, revenge, etc.
That’s not to say that it isn’t a good stopgap in the initial days of the divorce chaos, and it’s not to say that it doesn’t have merit for your kids, but it’ll only work if both parents work together — and therein lies the hiccup.
Sometimes in all the upheaval, things begin to move quickly and especially where there are children involved, we want to make as few disruptive life moves as possible.
This is why nesting is appealing at first.
It creates some space and breathing room — kind of like a trial separation period. But it’s not without its own potential upsets. Bottom line: if you could peacefully negotiate this with your soon-to-be-ex...you might’ve been able to salvage your marriage.
I know that sounds like a harsh reality, but it’s true.
I just want you to know that whatever you try that doesn’t feel like it’s working out as planned, can be adjusted — and you can make a different move.
None of us are particularly at our best when our emotions are raw, exposed and all over the place. Many mamas are wrought with worry and anxiety, particularly during the early stages.
Feeling frazzled and pulled in all directions isn’t a good recipe for solid decision-making.
But there really isn’t a roadmap here, which is why first and foremost you want to get yourself grounded, supported and attuned to your intuition. You want to start honoring what you are feeling, thinking, and picking up.
I realize that this isn’t so easy initially, because you probably have been ignoring that for a while. Consider it like going to the gym for the first time in a long time. Give yourself some grace to develop and strengthen your intuitive muscles.
I’ve seen just about every scenario (or at least I think I have). Some divorcing couples choose to cohabitate until the divorce dust settles. I’ve seen mamas suffocate in that process, hide in their rooms, shrink. I can think of one mama in particular who didn’t have a choice at first because her ex wouldn’t go. She had to make the best of it while the process dragged out, but simply put...it was hell for both she and her kid.
Now eventually that all changed. Your ex may be a blowhard who thinks they get to declare how it’s all going to go down — stating things like: I’m not getting a divorce, I’m not agreeing to anything, I’m not leaving, etc.
And while they can rant and rave and make things as difficult (and costly) as possible — they don’t get to decide any of that.
And while I hope that can all be avoided for you and your divorce, (and why I also guide mothers through difficult conversations), remember, no one can make you do anything.
I seriously get to work with the best mamas in the world. Anyone who is coming to the Best Self Intuitive Divorce, is looking for solutions, not revenge. That doesn’t mean their kindness or conciliatory nature should be misconstrued as being a doormat — far from that.
The mamas I work with want to take charge of the process. They want to divorce differently and to mitigate suffering for themselves and their kids. They want to heal and become.
Don’t be afraid to try something like nesting. Just consider your reasoning behind it and then be open to pivot if it’s not working out as hoped.
Putting your kids’ needs at the forefront is like looking at a lighthouse in the distance illuminating the night sky. Keep moving towards it and trust that you will arrive on solid ground.
And harness the power of that mama bear intuition God gave you the day you held your first baby. Your answers are within you.
You can be advised by a legion of professionals, but I want you to remember that at the end of the day, you want to make decisions that you can feel good about when you look back when this is all said and done.
You are navigating unchartered waters right now. Give yourself grace and the space to consider your objectives. Try to stay on course, stay grounded in self-care and self-connection.
Allow yourself to shift gears, change your mind, move in a different direction.
Find ways to be supported. There’s never been a better time than now for that. It will serve you all. And you know what? You deserve it.
To nest or not to nest...that’s up to you. What is your heart telling you, mama?
Nesting ever play into your co-parenting plan? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below…