Does Divorce Make You a Bad Person?

Are you a bad person because you want a divorce, mama?

Well, maybe according to the one who doesn’t want to give it to you — or maybe according to rigid religious doctrine — or if it doesn’t align with the agendas of others.

But how is that working out for you? And speaking of YOU, where are you in this equation?

We certainly don’t take divorce or the dissolution of a marriage and family unit lightly, but there is much more to the story than that.

Marriage shouldn’t be about suffering, abuse, neglect. It shouldn’t be about losing yourself or sacrificing your needs. It shouldn’t be about drowning or playing small.

I don’t know who wrote the manual for women and encoded this notion that we must stay at all costs, make it work, hold it together, be ‘good girls’, suck it up and be silent.

You get a say in your life, mama. In fact, you get to write the next chapter.

And yes, that means taking accountability as well. How did you end up here in this marriage with this man / woman? What role did you play? More importantly...where do you want it to go now?

Remember, just because a marriage ends, doesn’t mean it was all bad. But we morph, change and grow over years and decades. We become more of ourselves and who we are meant to be. We begin to see life through a new lens, and we want to feel alive.

And yet, we allow our emotions to take over and steer the ship. Fear can be paralyzing but it can also fill our heads with false narratives that just aren’t reality.

I’m not going to sugarcoat divorce. It’s big. It’s upheaval. It’s emotional. It’s hard. But it is also about declaring, “I deserve more.” It’s about healing, revealing, becoming.

You deserve that mama. Your kids deserve that. And no, you are not a bad person because you have needs, desires and dreams.

Read that again.

You are not a bad person because you have needs, desires and dreams.

It’s about seeing that you can’t stay where you are drowning — that’s a recipe for disaster that will eventually catch up with you as your health and wellbeing dwindles, as you become a shadow of yourself, as you feel ashamed of your parenting, etc.

Some women are afraid that their husbands won’t give them a divorce. Well, while they can make that difficult and costly by dragging it out, they don’t get to decide this. You don’t have to stay, and they can’t prevent a divorce.

You might feel like being desirous of a divorce makes you a bad person, but what if instead you were actually a trailblazer for what is best for all of you? What if your courage is actually going to set you all free?

Oftentimes, mothers of teens tell me that their kids just want their parents to get divorced. There is a true cost to staying in a marriage and living in an unhappy house where the energy is heavy and can be cut with a knife. And it affects everyone. You can’t hide this from your children no matter how much you try. They hear you, see you, feel you.

While we don’t want to teach our children that relationships and people are disposable, we also want to teach them to respect themselves and others — to be accountable for their actions, to learn from their mistakes...and to honor their desires.

How can we be our Best Selves if we stay in abusive situations?

Consider what it would feel like to wake up in the morning with peace and ease? What would it feel like to just BE — free to be who you are, dancing in your kitchen to music you love? What would it feel like to feel light on your feet, happy?

What would it feel like to not be hiding, stressed, depressed, guilt-ridden? What if you could just free yourself from all of that and allow yourself to heal?

You can.

And you can model for your children that life is full of ups, downs and all-arounds. That’s just reality. Life isn’t all unicorns and rainbows, but it shouldn’t be a prison sentence either. It’s what you do with life adversity that matters. It’s how you chose to get through it that matters. It’s what you allow to unfold that matters.

Why?

Because you matter.

You already know what you want, need and dream about. Maybe it’s just time to stop trying to suppress it and instead set it free?

When feelings well up? Talk back to them. What are you afraid of? Is it real? How could you see it differently?

Ask yourself, can I stay in this situation forever? How will I feel if I wake up ten years from now and can’t believe I’m still here?

I don’t say these words lightly, but I say them often. Divorce is an opportunity. Are you ready to seize yours?