Suffering No More
Today is a great day for suffering...said NO ONE, ever!
Least of all a mama navigating divorce or staring down an impending one.
As I say repeatedly in our group coaching classes, navigating adversity in this human experience isn’t optional, but suffering is.
And of course, I know that it doesn’t feel optional when we are in the thick of it...but it is.
It doesn’t mean we like all outcomes, disappointments or pain — or that we show up perfectly to greet it, or make peace with it, but there’s no dodging discomfort in life.
The wisest spiritual teachers and leaders know how to be with it instead of being consumed by it. Trust me, they don’t like suffering any more than you do.
They just learn to dance differently with it...sighing and asking, “what have you come to show me?”
Hey, it’s easy to get wrapped up in a narrative of negativity especially when just about everything in your life is upside down and all around — with no guarantees or conflict resolution in sight.
But jumping on the bandwagon along with it only adds fuel to the fire and more anguish to your already-full plate.
The voice of fear takes us by the hand and drags us down a dark corridor whispering no-so-sweet nothings in our ear. But if we don’t know how to take control of those thoughts, they will take control of us.
I’ve always loved that quote, “What if I fail? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”
Just what if...
And I know that the overwhelm is real, mama. Life was all consuming before you put a divorce into the mix — and with all the decisions you are navigating right now, you might be thinking, “Please dear God, I just can’t take on another thing right now.”
This is where we abandon ourselves yet again.
Taking care of yourself can’t be considered ‘another thing’. It is THE thing. You are the mothership from which everything else rests upon.
Besides, here’s the good news: when you find a way to renegotiate and redirect your own suffering, everything around you changes...including the suffering!
This is one of the reasons that I’m always banging this drum.
We can mitigate our own suffering even when we are in the midst of the mud (or mudslinging in the case of divorce).
And when we change our approach to life, life changes. This is why paying attention to this right now in the middle of everything else will not only transform how you experience one of the most difficult moments of your life — it will change your life.
Consider a time where you stayed really calm in the face of adversity and handled a tough situation in a way that you feel good about. It could’ve been at work, or in a difficult conversation with a friend or family member, or maybe a confrontation with your kids or spouse. You didn’t lose it, didn’t say regrettable words or create a mess that you’d have to clean up afterwards. Instead, you employed calm resolve, stood your ground and diminished unnecessary drama. [More of that please!]
What were the circumstances that supported that?
I bet you weren’t a frazzled mess, pulling in on 2 wheels, worn out and worried. The conditions you create around yourself either support you or sabotage you.
Hmmm.
Here’s another thing to keep in mind. Showing up to learn how to flex a new muscle in divorce isn’t just about divorce, it’s about the rest of your life and how you will maneuver your way through all that is thrown your way.
You will be a forever changed woman.
My son was recently texting me about stress at work. Now mind you, he’s only 24 years old, and just two years out of college...so not to say that his pressure at work isn’t real...but it’s all relative. I found myself using my best coaching skills with him and realized that much of what I was saying to him, is what I say to mamas...because, stress is stress and how we navigate it matters.
In other words, how much is it going to cost us?
I simply acknowledged how he was feeling and then said, “Hang in there, show up, do your best, learn something from it, and try to not let it rob your joy. Suffering is a choice even when things get hard. You are stronger than this.”
One of my coaching clients texted me that she ‘lost it’ on her ex. I could tell she was contrite about it, but I responded by saying, “OK, so what?! Losing your shit is just revealing the wound that is still there desperately trying to heal. Cut yourself some slack. You see it. You know it’s there. You know it needs to be held and nurtured and you also know, one day it won’t hurt the same way!”
And I’d add to this that it’s temporary and commend her for knowing that she wants to show up differently. That’s huge progress in itself.
The self-reflective piece is massive. Knowing what you don’t want in your life is as important as knowing what you do.
Knowing that you don’t want to behave in a certain way, knowing that you don’t want to give your power away and succumb to the triggers of another, knowing that you can do better is massive.
This is where it becomes abundantly clear that our old ways are no longer serving us. We just have to put new practices and mindset into place.
So where do we start?
Pause. Step back. Breathe.
Create a bit of space between you and the ensuing suffering.
Ask your feelings if the story it is telling you is truth or the voice of fear? Why accept the negative outcome as truth when the positive outcome could easily be instead?
Consider the default setting you have when you get triggered...do you fall into a story?
When you witness yourself slipping into suffering, what could you do to interrupt it? What could reroute you from traveling down that path?
Pay attention to the sources of your suffering and try to identify patterns and commonalities — this is all valuable intel for rescripting and old story you are ready to let go of.
Your nervous system will thank you. Your life will thank you, your kids will thank you — and your divorce will thank you. You will gain back precious, precious time and present moments. Suffering no more, mama — just being a beautiful human in all the feels.
Doesn’t that sound like a better way?
Sure, my focus is on getting you through your divorce, helping you make strategic decisions and moves to save time, money and heartache for you and your kids — but you know what’s at the core of it all? Your emotional healing.
And you can seize this opportunity to achieve your divorce goals and feel good about yourself while doing it. Yep, HOW you divorce matters. You can navigate the painful upheaval and transform your entire life from the inside out.
Your happy ending hasn’t passed you by, mama. It’s ready to be written.
Are you suffering in divorce? Can you imagine NOT suffering? What would that look like? Please leave a comment below…I’d love to continue the conversation!