Summer Break & Divorce

School’s out...or it’s about to be!

Do you remember the sheer excitement you’d feel as a kid at this time of year? Visions of beach days jumping through the waves danced through my head as the smell of Coppertone suntan lotion wafted through the air. Sunkissed noses and bike riding the neighborhood until dark, footloose and fancy free all summer long. Oh and let’s not forget the sound of the ice cream truck approaching!

Aaaah. The good ol’ days.

Kids everywhere are ready for summer...maybe their mothers, especially those navigating divorce, less so. 

At a time when routine and structure are a mama’s best friend, you may be scrambling to figure out how you are going to cobble this all together — work, kid’s activities AND divorce.

Deep breath mama.

There are seasons of motherhood and seasons of divorce.

And while it’s true that divorce adds another layer to your already filled plate, and while there are necessary obligations like meetings with your attorney, possible court dates, mediation, mounds of paperwork to be filled out and big decisions to make — for the most part, there are likely no emergencies unfolding (and I know that EVERYTHING feels like an emergency in divorce, but bear with me on this one).

Why do I mention that?

Because I want to give you a permission slip to tap back into some of that summertime excitement for yourself and your kids no matter where you find yourself today. Translation: take a breather from divorce when needed, or minimally, apply the brakes and slow down the pace so that you can be present with your kids.

I was reminded of this in a recent group coaching class. We never know where class is going to organically lead us because we never know what is going to pop up for mamas week to week as they negotiate their way through divorce and feelings.

A lot of ‘kid’ talk came up in this particular class. It’s not that kids aren’t usually on the top of the priority list for most mamas, but I could sense both dread and anticipation about the impending days of summer because these mothers are already contending and worrying about so much.

So, I decided to pop in here and unpack some of it in the hopes that it will infuse you with a little inspiration and soothe any anxiety you may be feeling about the impending months.

But one thing I want you to keep in mind is that when we feel overwhelmed, when we take on too much, when we say YES when we should’ve said NO, when we spread ourselves thin — everyone loses.

The last thing you need right now is a side dish of guilt on top of everything else. Am I right?

So, let’s get out ahead of this and design a summer you can get a little excited about.

The moms in class were sharing various experiences they were having with their kids. Some don’t yet know that their parents are getting a divorce but they are exhibiting behaviors that tell a different story. Remember, your kids, no matter their age can feel and sense what isn’t spoken.

Pay attention to the cues. Are you noticing any changes in behavior or mood? Are they more volatile, more needy? Are they more withdrawn, sensitive, exhibiting unusual fears?

Don’t be alarmed, be on alert. If your kids are acting out, they are communicating to you that they have a need unmet, they don’t know what to do with the feelings they are feeling — and even if it doesn’t feel good, they are safe enough to share this with you. That’s a win!

They are reaching out. They need you.

This is why caring about the condition you are in during divorce can’t be an afterthought. You don’t get to put life or your kids’ needs on hold. Simply put, you’ll need some stamina. Welcome to motherhood!

And it’s not about MORE, it’s about LESS chaos, pain and stress. When you lean into mothering, nurturing, supporting yourself — you can do the same for your kids. Suddenly you fill your own pitcher and now have something to pour from.

I wish every lawyer’s retainer fee came with a divorce coach to guide mamas over the finish line. Yes, you need to lean on an attorney to guide you with their expertise in the law and will likely want to consult with a financial advisor and co-parenting counselors or child therapists. And yes, it may feel like a lot, but what’s more important than getting this ‘right’? You likely have been in this situation awhile, it will take some time to unravel it all.

HOW you get through this all determines the condition you will all be in on the other side. And no matter how contentious your divorce may be, that includes the ex you will be co-parenting with.

Any inclusive efforts to jointly get your kids through this all will ultimately benefit them. Of course, I know that isn’t always possible. But trust me it’s worth a try. Keep the focus on the benefit of your children each time to you go to communicate or make a move. Ask yourself, Is this in my children’s best interest?

In the meantime, mama. Breathe a little summertime into your soul. This will all take some time to sort out and the main reason I’m popping in here today is to remind you that it is OK (actually necessary) to live as you go along. Please don’t put life on hold.

Life shifts as summer approaches. Days get longer and warmer. We feel and move differently. Our ‘rules’ and bedtimes loosen, we feel more playful. That’s your inner child beckoning to you. She hears the ice cream truck coming!

Close your eyes a moment and consider what could infuse you with a bit of this essence? Don’t be afraid to break out of your routine. Yes, you are in the throes of a divorce, maybe it’s messy. Maybe it’s digging up a lot. Maybe you feel all over the place — but still you are allowed to live and enjoy and savor precious present day moments.

In fact, that is the most potent prescription you can give yourself.

You know, your babies will only be this age once — never to be recaptured again. You don’t get a do-over. You just get today.

That doesn’t mean it will be perfect, but as I say many times over in the program — it isn’t perfection that your children are yearning for. It is YOU, your presence and guidance that reminds them it is OK to be human, and it is also OK to have fun.

This is an important message to model for your kids as well. Even if they don’t understand it now, how do you want them to remember you during this chapter? Hmmm.

So why not declare, Yes, I’m going through perhaps the most difficult moment of my life AND I’m going to find a way to navigate it the best I can AND find nuggets of joy as I go.

Consider taking time off — it could be a day, a weekend, a week, or as long as you want. Let your lawyer know you will get back to them, that you need a time out to be with your kids.

Step out of your comfort zone. Pitch a tent in the backyard. Throw a party. Roast marshmallows. Buy the soft serve ice cream with colored sprinkles. Ride the rollercoaster. Create. Play games. Be silly. Catch fireflies. Bake a cake. Go for a hike. Watch the stars. Go to a drive-in movie. Make a list of all the things you want to do this summer — and enlist your kids to help.

Get out ahead of this. Allow yourself to live and breathe and laugh and divorce all at once.

Hey, I think I’m starting to get excited about summer too!

Divorce will be waiting for you when you get back. Don’t let it rob you of this present moment. You don’t have to agree to be miserable because you are navigating a divorce. I know it can feel hard. It is hard, but this ending is also a beginning.

So, what’s it going to be? I say fill it with fireflies and belly laughs. They don’t cost anything, but pay big dividends!