THE Tough Conversation
Maybe one of the toughest conversations that a mama will ever have is dropping the divorce news on her husband.
...then her kids.
No doubt.
What do I say? When do I say it? How do I say it? How will they react? Maybe I should hold off because...
The truth is that once you start contemplating divorce, you already have a foot out the door. You know there is no turning back. However, the uncertainty, vulnerability, fear and pain can derail you or paralyze you from being able to make a move.
But you know what’s even tougher? NOT having the conversation — shrinking, pretending, avoiding, trying to fix what isn’t yours to fix. Staying when you feel like you are dying inside — where you can barely breathe or recognize yourself. Sacrificing to the point of suffering.
BTW, no one wins in this equation.
I work with mamas on both sides of the equation — those who have been blindsided and those who do the blindsiding. But the notion of ‘blindsiding’ is an entire topic in itself. Mark my words, history always tells a different story — and when we finally arrive on the other side of the divorce and when we allow healing to occur, we see all the parts of the story we pretended to once not see.
They become undeniable truths.
It's not necessarily about the details and the specific circumstances that lead to the straw that breaks the camel’s back, it’s about how and why we abandoned ourselves along the way. When we are unhappy and we continue to carry on hoping and praying things will work out and get better but refrain from taking action steps, we inflict more pain upon ourselves (and our kids).
Many of the heart-centered mamas in our program labor over what to say, when to say it and how to say it because they care greatly — despite how much they want out.
They drag their feet because they care how they treat others which oftentimes means they sidestep themselves. And when we sidestep ourselves once, we usually do it twice and so on...until it becomes a well-worn pattern.
I can always see when the mamas I coach are ready to have the tough conversations and when they are not — and I allow them to be where they are and remind them that there is great discernment in knowing the difference. Let’s just say, it likely took you awhile to get to this point of admission, it’s OK if you take your time announcing it — actually, it’s necessary.
Timing is everything.
Trusting yourself is everything.
Preparing is everything.
Probably the biggest concern amongst mamas is, How will he react?
That’s a loaded question, because honestly it isn’t ours to control. Clearly there are ways to steer conversations that are less triggering and antagonistic, but again, your spouse’s reaction is on them, the delivery and staying calm in the heat of the moment is on you.
And while there probably isn’t a ‘perfect’ time to end your marriage, or a moment when you will feel fully confident in having your script down and rehearsed — there is a way to get yourself on solid footing. The Intuitive Divorce focuses on getting mamas grounded, self-empowered and aligned with their inner wisdom so they can have the tough conversations.
Wanting to get the conversation ‘right’ doesn’t just mean getting your ducks in a row, doing your due diligence, educating yourself, protecting yourself, moving some money, copying some documents and giving consideration to various outcomes and strategies — it means all of it.
The most loving thing is to put thought and heart into your strategy.
It’s a gamechanger and it’s possible. Most people don’t see how the two fit, but they do. And nothing could be more important right now than how you move through this.
In an interview I once listened to, NYC Divorce attorney James Sexton said, “How you end things is how you are going to remember the whole thing.” All of it, the marriage included.
That really stuck with me.
Sure, you will get to the end of your divorce proceedings, but you want to land there feeling good about HOW you got there.
They don’t call them difficult conversations for nothing. As women we are particularly programmed to not want to disappoint anyone or tell them something they don’t want to hear. But that doesn’t change the reality of the circumstances, does it?
Just consider a moment how much time you expend dodging conversations or addressing issues — that’s a lot of energy! And the problem remains.
What if instead you could reframe having difficult conversations as radical self-care and healing — about modeling healthy behaviors for your kids — about breaking old patterns that no longer serve you?
Start by asking your self:
What happens if I don’t have the conversation? What if I do?
Is this fear around doing so real or imagined? (Sometimes we make things out to be so much bigger in our own minds than they really are.)
What are the possible positive outcomes of facing this fear and having this conversation once and for all?
The sooner we can renegotiate how we move through life, the more we can let go of, the less we hold onto, the easier it will be to say the things that need to be said and have the tough conversations.
The good news is that it starts with self — and this is what I do every day. I walk beside mamas who are unsure, uncertain and have forgotten how to trust their voices. The most glorious thing to witness is a woman reclaiming that. She isn’t becoming someone new — she is becoming her Best Self that has been waiting to be heard.
“Maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”
~ Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
I’d love to hear about a tough conversation you face (or are facing) in your divorce. Please leave a comment below and let’s continue the conversation!