What Are You Fighting For?

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I received a lot of good news this week from clients... 

Paperwork has been signed. It’s off to the judge.

And another wrote...

Our court date was cancelled today because we came to an agreement. Documents have been drafted and executed.

Now both of these stories have vastly different circumstances. One mama was put through the wringer and was manipulated and emotionally bullied. Her children were weaponized against her and there were many times she feared that the entire process was going to fall apart...but she stayed the course and ushered it across the finish line. 

The other had an agreement drafted in weeks...yes, you read that correctly...WEEKS.

And before you think that the latter must’ve been a simple and uncomplicated divorce...think again. It was actually a much more complex financial picture with businesses, properties, assets and massive family home to consider.

The size of the bank account doesn’t determine the complexity of a divorce — you do. Well, you and your spouse do.

And no matter how much people want to get out of a marriage, or how much they insist that they won’t go down a financial rabbit hole...the majority do...dragging their bank account, family, wellbeing and life behind it.

Unless you want to pay for your attorney’s kids’ braces, sleepaway summer camp, family vacations and college tuition — it’s time to walk the walk and talk the talk.

Yes, divorces involve people, personalities and emotional baggage. It stirs the pot and spouses react when triggered. The gloves come off and the endless fighting begins. The lawyers on either side lean back in their chairs and sigh, waiting for it all to be over.

Remember you set the tone. Your lawyer alone can’t drive the outcomes of your divorce.

As I always say, there was a long runway to here. Sure, there may have been a specific event that blew things up — a straw that broke the camel’s back moment. But I have yet to meet a mother who didn’t know this was coming or who didn’t regret not doing it sooner.

But cut yourself some slack. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your divorce.

That said, this isn’t a time to passively sit back and hide behind your lawyer. It’s the time to get crystal clear about what you want, get grounded and effectively convey your desired outcomes.

My client who came to swift resolution didn’t just get ‘lucky’. Her soon-to-be ex didn’t want the divorce. She felt conflicted though she had been wanting this for a long time and had threatened divorce before but never followed through. She felt anxious about community and religious shame. She was worried about keeping her kids out of the chaos.

So, you know what she did...

She worked with me so I could put guardrails around her. I gave her strategy and new perspective. I walked beside her as she reclaimed her life — and she did it like a boss.

You see, divorce strategy is life strategy. But this piece of getting support is often seen as an afterthought — something to clean up on the other side of the divorce. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The condition you are in DURING divorce will directly impact the condition your children will be in and your outcomes.

This mother got crystal clear about what she wanted — and then she sat with her attorney for three hours. Even he remarked how clear she was. And guess what? That made his job very easy.

She didn’t have to know the law. That’s what she hired him for, but she had to know her priorities, what was most important to her and what wasn’t worth fighting for. Then he could find the legal path to get her there.

A three-hour meeting with your lawyer will be costly, but you know what will be more costly? Waffling back and forth, uncertainty and using your attorney as an emotional support pillow. Big mistake.

Did she have to make concessions? Yes of course.

Did she get everything she wanted? No.

Did she achieve her goals and not overcomplicate the process? 100%

Bottom line: within weeks she had a signed document. Her goals were always clear to her and at the top of her wish list was swift resolution, fair and equitable division of assets and to maintain what was most important for her family (all of them, ex included).

Not to underplay the complexity of these negotiations or take into account how you only control your side of the street — this mother used her intel about her husband, her calm, intuitive, wise discernment and heart to access a path that felt like less of an assault.

Of course, she’s never been through a divorce before so she didn’t even realize how quickly she moved through the process as a result of her calm resolve.

I’m in no way trying to over-simplify what can very easily become a runaway train in divorce when two parties will not come to the table, but even so there is no reason to remain powerless.

You get to decide what you are fighting for, mama. And the moment you can allow yourself to get crystal clear, grounded and feel supported, you will put yourself on a new and better path to a better divorce...an Intuitive Divorce.