The Invitation

Recently, as I stood with a bunch of newly delivered mail in my hand, flipping through the usual junk mail, a formal invitation to a gala event fell out onto the table. Hmmm. What’s this?

An even bigger hmmm ensued because upon closer inspection, I noticed it was addressed to me and my ex-husband! Wait, Whaaat?!

First off, we never lived at this address together. Secondly, we’ve been divorced for 20 years. I think someone needs to update their rolodex.

But it made me laugh and sigh realizing how far I’ve come in my healing journey. The mere fact that I could joke about this said it all. I even took it a step further and took a picture of it and texted it to my ex and my son.

Yes, a group chat...I think the first we’ve ever had.

Now before you think that I had ‘one of those’ divorces — you know, the kind where everything is collaborative and consciously motivated...think again.

My divorce and subsequent unraveling were anything but.

It was complicated and ugly at times and I paid a grave price for fighting and betraying my intuition along the way.

It’s all water under the hindsight bridge now, but trust me, it was a long road to here.

Why am I telling you this story?

Because your story remains unwritten and all the ensuing chapters ahead will be informed with how you show up for yourself now.

Eventually you will get to the other side of your divorce. You will be free. You will get to design your own life and live as you choose and be who you want to be. However, if you have kids, especially younger ones, there will forever be a thread that connects you.

So, you’re going to want to figure this one out. Of course, it will morph and change as you do, and your children get older. But remember, you get to divorce your ex but not excommunicate him when kids are involved.

And there will be times where you both need to be present. I had to facilitate very complicated visitations for my son (but I’ll save that for another conversation). There will be school conferences, sporting events, celebrations, graduations, eventually weddings...and you will have to see your ex, maybe even stand in a picture together for the benefit of your child.

We never know what life will bring, but you know what I want you to focus on here? It’s not your grievances (justified or not), I don’t want you to get all self-righteous (justified or not), and I don’t want you to get in your own way. What I want is for you to remember those moments aren’t about you, they’re about your kid.

If you can shift your focus, you will all benefit.

You aren’t condoning bad behavior if you do.

You aren’t asking to get back together if you do.

You aren’t being a doormat if you do.

Nope, you are being a healed human being who is modeling healthy relationship to self and others for your children.

There’s a massive valley between acting like nothing has happened and dragging your kid through the mud because you want to share every impression you have of your ex. As ludicrous as it sounds, it’s far too easy to do.

It’s really hard to keep your kids out of the conflict. They hear, feel and intuit everything despite your best intentions.

Your kids aren’t your sounding board and the sooner you find ways to navigate that, the sooner you will all find new ways of being.

You don’t have to pretend you like your ex, but you’ll want to allow your child to know that it is safe to love both parents.

Here’s a harsh reality: we can’t tell people who to love. If we try to control that with our kids, we all lose. Even if you really wish your kid saw something in your ex (or didn’t) — trust that they need to figure it out for themselves.

I don’t know when they will, but they will. Attempting to direct their feelings will only backfire on you.

Yes, it’s the hard road. Some call it the ‘high’ road. I just call it consciously parenting and allowing your kid to come to their own conclusions and to develop their own intuition. It’s also the way in which you truly want to show up as a parent.

Isn’t that ultimately how you want to remember yourself in this story?

Skipping ahead years down the road, this will all be dust in the wind. You will be living your life and hopefully, like me, you will reach a place where you are no longer triggered when a piece of mail arrives in your mailbox addressed to the two of you.

I hope you can even laugh about it too.

This journey through divorce for all intents and purposes may appear as if it’s a journey of two, but it’s actually a solo voyage of your own. It’s about your personal discoveries, growth and becoming. But first comes the revealing and healing.

Our text thread between the three of us was brief and a little silly, but it was also good for our son (now almost 25 years old).

Yes, healing is an invitation too. Go ahead and RSVP.