Get it DONE: The Divorce Strategy No One Talks About
>> SUBSCRIBE TO THE INTUITIVE DIVORCE PODCAST ON APPLE PODCASTS | SPOTIFY | YOUTUBE.
There isn’t a mom I’ve coached who isn’t deeply concerned about getting her kids through the divorce — from telling them, to supporting them and protecting them, to helping them adjust to the new norm.
I get it because I once walked in those shoes and labored over every detail, playing out all outcomes in my head. But the reality is that there is only so much you control and can plan for. And the sooner you can distinguish between the two, the sooner you will create momentum in your divorce.
There are a lot of moving pieces and parts of a divorce and on any given day it can feel like an overwhelming task to figure out what to do first. This is why it’s critical to get calm, clear and outline priorities.
No one really talks about this.
Instead, it’s all hurry up and hire an attorney, start fighting over assets and playing tug-o-war over the kids. In and of themselves, those are core issues, but HOW you get through this, HOW you set yourself up and HOW you approach all that will be thrown at you — changes the playing field.
In all fairness, it’s not the job of your lawyer or your financial advisor or co-parenting counselor to manage all of this but there is a lot of life that happens in between those meetings, filings and court dates.
A lot.
It’s what happens in THOSE moments of your life that inform the big decisions, tough conversations and upsetting exchanges.
And if your divorce drags on there will be even more of those to contend with for you and your kids.
So, do you want to know what my new favorite piece of advice for divorcing mothers is?
Get in. Get out. Get it over with.
End the dysfunction.
Who wouldn’t want that, right? It sounds great until you are in the triggering weeds of the process. Until you feel you have to prove something. Until you have to make sure other people see what you see. Until you take your eye off the priority.
Most say that they want out as soon as possible and then I hear all the...”yeah buts”...
Yeah but...
My situation is complicated
We have a lot of assets
My ex is a gas-lighting narcissist
No one sees what he’s really like behind closed doors
All of that may be true and more and yet, ultimately, that translates to: He needs to be accountable for what he’s done, this isn’t ‘fair’ or ‘right’, He can’t get away with this, etc.
That is the kind of thinking that can keep you stuck in a divorce for years...yes, you read that correctly. And to add some salt to that wound, if your attorney’s initial retainer fee stunned you, fasten your seatbelt. That’s just the beginning particularly when the battling back and forth begins.
Fighting costs...money, time, lifeforce. It’s a steep price to pay.
Admittedly, by the time we find ourselves in divorces, a lot of damage has already been done. And we are often unconsciously trying to right wrongs that occurred in our marriages and yet that’s not how it works.
You can’t get something from your spouse in your divorce that you didn’t get from them in your marriage. You can’t make them see something they didn’t see, understand something they didn’t understand, be someone they weren’t — and no amount of financial retribution will change that.
You are only giving your power away trying — and with that you are dragging your kids, your bank account and your life behind it.
So, let’s start by making this a “yeah but” free zone.
Every excuse you make to fight more, costs you, your kids and your future something. That’s just a harsh reality. And even with all the extraneous circumstances, this is yours to control.
Of course there are delays in your attorney’s calendar, backlogs in the court system and perhaps shenanigans with a contentious spouse dead set on battling it out. But your conscious commitment to getting through it and getting on with your life will be a gamechanger.
That is divorce strategy.
Prioritizing Your Divorce
What if getting it done becomes the new priority?
What if everything you set your sights upon must align with this ultimate goal, and if it’s not aligned...pivot and reset?
Ask, Does this serve the ultimate goal or complicate it by my getting caught in the weeds?
It’s so much easier to get caught up than you can imagine.
What does it buy you to fight continuously? You may settle on a bit more of the asset pie and then turn around and pay it to your attorney in fees — all the while, it cost you your precious months (even years) of your life, time with your kids and lifeforce.
Yeah, there’s no sugarcoating it. It’s just a harsh reality and yet, the system is not set up to support any of that. If you want to fight, everyone steps back to clear the space as if to say, “Fight away.”
One mother I work with has two children who are struggling with the divorce and an extreme case of parental alienation. And while I provide her with strategies and communication tactics to help them, the bottom line is there’s a lot she can’t control here.
The sooner she can resolve the divorce, the sooner her kids can settle into a new norm.
So back to my new strategy...
Get it over with.
Get through it as fast as possible.
Get out and get on with rebuilding your life and healing.
A Snakebite Story
Recently I heard a powerful tale about a woman who was bit by a poisonous snake. Seemingly out of nowhere, this trusting individual was struck by the fangs of a deceitful snake. Standing there stunned in disbelief, she cried out, “Why? Why did you do this? How could you do this to me?”
What is this a great metaphor for?
Yes, a betrayed mother navigating divorce.
Meanwhile, the venom of the snake began to travel through her bloodstream. Instead of focusing on saving herself and getting immediate medical assistance to mitigate the spread, she continued to make meaning from something that wasn’t possible.
We can’t always understand someone else’s WHY. Why they did this, why they didn’t do that, etc. The only ‘WHY’ we have control over is our own. Why the snake bit her is the snake’s to explain and be accountable for. Her ‘Why’ needs to be focused on what now — what do I do with this information and this bite?
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
I coach mothers through painful experiences and injustices like glaring and destructive parental alienation. I know the suffering that occurs and the damage that can be inflicted, but the harsh reality is that there are issues that won’t be worked out during the divorce process and will take time to unravel.
I know that’s a bitter pill to swallow, particularly when it comes to your kids.
A mother disentangling from a gas-lighting narcissist has her hands full, but there’s nothing new here. The good news is that she’s finding a way out and has to keep her eye on the prize at the end of the horizon.
With every trigger, every irritation, every emotional outburst, every deflating blow — I want you to remember that you have to find a way to keep on track so that you can achieve your goal. To get this done.
Getting it done is the greatest gift you can give yourself, your kids and your future. Because on the other side of that is your freedom, your new life, your home filled with your energy and safety.
This is why mothers need to be supported during this process. They need someone to walk beside them, to help them recalibrate, to keep it together, to heal and to get where they want to go as quickly as possible.
Life’s too short and precious to get stuck in those weeds.
Figure out what your goal is, then laser focus on it until you are there. If something isn’t aligned with that goal, reroute.
Get it done. Get it over. And get on with your beautiful new life. It’s there awaiting you, mama.
